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Thursday, July 29, 2021

Otherwise, they’ll kill you

When you apply to be a columnist at The Aggie, I believe there are two assumptions that you make about yourself: (1) that you know something that others don’t and (2) that whatever you know, you think it’s interesting enough to tell other people.

In fact, when you submit your application, you have to explain these exact assumptions. When I applied sophomore year, I wrote:Things happen to me, usually lame things, and I learn from them … I just have stories and I like to tell them. That’s all” (my eloquence at the time just blows me away). Well three years and 82 columns later, I still haven’t the slightest idea about anything.

There are still plenty of things that baffle me: why it’s easier for a mediocre looking guy to be with an über hot girl, but not the other way around; why did Pasta? close at night because KetMoRee sucks so much wad; or why mean guys can lie to girls about anything except when it comes to sayingI love you” (and why for some reason, we should all appreciate that).

But I suppose that even though I know absolutely nothing (my parents would be so proud if they heard me say that after paying four years of tuition), there is no choice but to remain optimistic about everything. It’s tough out there in thereal world,so be brave.

Be brave in life because I believe that no matter how pessimistic you want to be about the shit that doesn’t really matter, you at least have to hold some optimism when it comes to the big shtuff. And I’m not talking about because-you-never-know-when-you-might-die spiel, but because you really have no choice but to be hopeful. It’s the only way to ever stay sane.

Be brave when it comes to your choices and know that if it’s what you really want to do, then things should be all right (after all, who gets punished for following their passion? Unless the passion is to murder or to topple a regime, then I guess you’re out of luck). Whether you’re a liberal arts major who is finally giving into the worries of those around you (“What are you going to do with that? What sort of job could you find in this sort of economy?!”), or you’re a lucky but nervous bastard with a foreseeable successful future, everything will work out because it should.

Be brave when it comes to transitioning into something new. I was never a fan of thethings happen for a reason,saying (it’s such a cop-out advice one liner and its utter non-profoundness only accomplishes a futile sense of circular reasoning), but if college taught me anything, it’s that change happens regardless and most of the time it will be okay, if not better. So ditch whatever is no good for you, brush off the dust and venture on.

And lastly, be brave when it comes to obtaining the ever-elusive l-o-v-e. If you ever hear about me after this column ends (best case scenario: I’m on a book cover or in a major newspaper/magazine; worst case scenario: my mug shot’s on the six o’clock news and I’m leading the cops through a car chase), hopefully I won’t be the awkward girl trying her best not to get noodles in her glasses while flirting. But if I’m still single, that’s okay too. Nine times out of 10, it’s better to be in the pleasure of your own company then with somebody who just doesn’t treat you right.

The way I see it, there’s not just one, but a handful of people who will go good with you (because looking for that one soul mate is statistically way too impossible and unappealing for me). You’ll be with many of them and during that time, you’ll learn a lot about what you want in another person, what you absolutely need in a relationship and what you can do without. Hopefully, you’ll end up with not the perfect, but the best one for you.

And if you think that there just isn’t anybody out there for you, riddle me this: Say you’re a lonely German boy, working on a boat, who enjoys magic and tigers … a lot. (I mean, those are some pretty specific interests). Not to mention, you’re gay. Now, you’d think that it’s pretty impossible to find anybody for you, but loand behold, you meet another lonely German homosexual boy, working on the same boat, who has the same love for magic and huge undomesticated cats as you.

You guys will fall in love and when you jokingly ask him,Will you still love me even if my face is all mangled up?” (I know for sure that couples play this game) he will say yes and later mean it, because it’ll happen, and you guys will still be together. Therefore, if love can happen between Siegfried and Roy then damnit, it’s going to happen to you too. (Shit, please don’t let them separate because my one hopeful story will be completely worthless).

 

LYNN LA is sad because next week will be her last column ever. To make her feel better, e-mail her at ldla@ucdavis.edu or drop a line in person. She will anxiously be at the flagpole TOMORROW! at 4 p.m. to meet you guys.

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