I don’t like being sentimental, really. It’s in poor taste most of the time. I like to take the British stiff upper lip approach when it comes to socially-demanding displays of crocodile tears. So my last two columns will not be emotional, and I’m certainly not going to thank anyone. The trite phrase, “I couldn’t have done it without you” is absolute bullocks and I will not partake in such nonsense.
Okay, you should probably stop reading this column in an evil British accent. Honestly, writing a column is not that high on my list of life accomplishments though. I would say it hovers between getting circumcised and that $8 all-you-can-eat buffet I had in Vegas: They’re painful experiences that I don’t remember, but they’re … oh fuck it, I have no idea where I was going with that joke. If you really want to know where I was going with it, you should e-mail me. But we’ll get to e-mailing me soon. Hang tight.
To me, useless sentimentality is kind of like clapping. Have you ever stopped to think about what clapping is anyway? It’s making loud sounds with your hands to show someone your approval. It’s primitive … ape-like almost. Imagine if aliens were studying us like anthropologists. I’m sure they would be fucking blown away:
“Hey, Mr. Blonde, come look at the humans. They’re fuckin’ smacking their hands together violently for no reason again.”
Mr. Blonde responds with a blank stare: “Wow. And what’s with the nonsensical noises? We could totally just vaporize them right now, and they’d have no clue what hit them. Douchebags, the lot of them.” By the way, “Mr. Blonde” is a reference to the evil alien in Perfect Dark.
Apes beat their chests. Humans clap their hands. Simple as that. Also: your hands. Look at your hands. Yeah, you’re a fucking monkey. Don’t deny that shit. And they say evolution doesn’t exist. Balderdash! I’m not about to latch onto the idea of intelligent design. That’s just about as bad as intelligent falling: or as they say in more academic circles, “gravity.”
But G-d might have some trouble in the logic department, too. Can G-d microwave a burrito so hot that even He couldn’t eat it? What’s that? You need to see a doctor because your head just exploded? Let me clean that up for you.
I can’t understand why people remove the “o” in God like we can’t figure out what fucking letter is missing and that, more curiously, God will be more pleased if the “o” wasn’t there. I can imagine God up there shaking his head in disgust, “MEDAMNIT, WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE NOT TAKING THE ‘O’ OUT IN MY NAME?! FOR ME SAKES! I’M JUST GONNA KNOCK OVER THIS FUCKING OIL RIG. THAT’LL SHOW ‘EM. AND I’M CANCELLING LOST. ”
It’s like Harry Potter. Only the most naïve characters in that book won’t say Voldemort’s name (and they’re invariably the characters that are afraid to face reality). It actually reminds me of religion as a whole. Maybe that’s why most scientists are atheists: Because if you believe that fairytale bullshit, then either you’re really dumb and can’t face plain-as-day facts or you need a crutch because you’re emotionally fragile.
I’ve noticed that many people (especially in institutions of higher learning) are religious because of said emotional frailty. They’re perfectly nice people – and they’re highly intelligent – but the vicissitudes of life are too much for them. They need order among the chaos. Well, to that I say there is no silver bullet. Shut up, be nice, pop a couple Xanax and move on. Learn to play an instrument, or do something else cool that people reference when they want you to do something fulfilling and productive in an emotionally non-threatening way in list-form.
Oh! I forgot about the funny e-mails. Well, I guess I’ll just have to save them for the next column. It’s worth the wait. Trust me. I’m sorry for being all Mr. Rogers-esque this week. I’m like talking to you but there’s nobody here.
Speaking of Mr. Rogers, does anyone remember “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” – and, in specific, the mailman named Mr. McFeely? He reminds me of Elton John but in mailman form.
Did you notice the title and how it made no sense? Well, it actually does make a lot of sense if you consider that it’s an opposite of a common dish found in many American restaurants. Think about it for a second before you read the answer. Did you try at least? If you guessed “chicken tenders” then you’re right. DAVE KARIMI would have also accepted “turkey breast,” because breasts are pretty soft. E-mail him at email@example.com.