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Monday, December 4, 2023

Column: Sexplanations

Summer is upon us, as is graduation and being thrust into the real world as full-fledged, degree-carrying adults. So let me arm you with some advice for your newly found adulthood — learn how to sext.

In this modern and completely attention-deprived culture, learning how to break through your sexy new prospect’s cluttered inbox is necessary. Sexting is so wildly pervasive, really, that if you can’t give good sext, then your actual sexual skills will never be put in use.

For beginners, sexting is simply dirty talk via text messaging. I have had many laments from friends claiming they’re uncomfortable with dirty talk in bed and even more so when typing to a slightly abstract and intangible entity. If you are one of those shy and quite conservative people, I don’t suggest this route when flirting, but if you’re willing to learn, and crave naughty behavior here and there, then I suggest the following tips.

Firstly, get comfortable or get drunk — or both. I have had the most success in egging on friends to respond to a risqué text after a few glasses of wine, and I have personally found the most success with myself at the end of the day once binding skinny jeans are off and it’s just me and my favorite Victoria’s Secret purchases. It’s the comfort factor; also who doesn’t feel sexy when in his or her undies texting their object of desire?

Dirty talking is best done in these situations because the inhibitions are gone. They aren’t hindering you or deterring you, you’re just free to textually string together your favorite sex act. I suggest the use of many adjectives in dirty sexting, the more descriptive the better: you will have your crush on the other end salivating and wanting a whole lot more.

Just dirty sexting is also so harmless and fun that in my experience and expert opinion, it can be done just about everywhere. There is nothing more exciting than receiving a sexy text while out with friends or even stuck in a two hour summer session class — it’s fun, it’s flirty and will make time pass quite quickly. Being that sexting is so rampant and accepted in our generation I see nothing wrong in starting one with a former, current, or hopefully future flame when you get the itch to do so.

Secondly, learn how to take some decent and safe nudes. The number one rule here: don’t send anything that can identify you, aka no face. Less obvious features you should steer clear of sending are anything distinguishable ­— tattoos, piercings, items of clothing, etc. If this sexting relationship ever goes sour, you don’t want it traced back to you. A naked body is a naked body and they all look the same in a dimly lit phone camera photo.

You should also delete any of these sexy yet highly incriminating photos from your phone: just ask Scarlett Johansson and Vanessa Hudgens (remember that? Ha). Having private photos taken from your phone and proliferated via internet is pretty horrendous. Hence the “no identifiable features” rule, but deleting these photos on your end grants you a peace of mind that if ever you allow someone to crack your iPhone code they won’t go and tweet your private nude stash.

Once you’ve cropped the photo, also make sure your chosen body part is looking as desirable as possible. In more technical terms get hard, get big, get wet, get perky. There is no bigger boner kill than seeing a half assed nude ­— literally and figuratively. I can speak for myself when I say that penis pictures are always mildly unpleasant, but more so when flaccid.

Thirdly and lastly, have fun with it. Summer is a few months of hot, sticky and sweaty hazy days, your libido is going to be revved to full throttle so make the best of it. Keep some fine looking people in your little black book, or as we call it nowadays your contacts, and make the most of it. You’ll be surprised as to how hot and bothered you can get someone with a few key phrases and words — naughty, wet, summer.

Go forth now fellow Aggies and utilize your knowledge on sexting and nudes — you can thank me later.

MARISSA HERRERA will be sexting British boys during her summer abroad in London. She can be reached at mdherrera@ucdavis.edu.


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