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Davis, California

Saturday, May 25, 2024

Humor: Terrorizing turkeys found to be in cahoots with Davis squirrels

headshot_OLPoultry and rodents form an unlikely partnership to get snacks and entertainment

We all know that turkeys are currently gobbling up the previously comforting and fun streets of downtown Davis with their violence. What we didn’t know was that the squirrels from the UC Davis campus were the ones who ordered these feathered fiends to wreak havoc upon us fragile humans.

Student Lynn Guini interrogated one of the turkeys after battling him one afternoon so that she could get to her car after buying a new recorder from Watermelon Music.

“I was hyped as hell because I had just gotten this dope recorder so I could kill ‘Hot Cross Buns’ for my roommates,” Guini said. “The day turned dreary when I saw him… menacing.”

Turk E. Smith, a member of the Terrorizing Turkeys gang, stood on the hood of Guini’s car wearing a ski mask and flashing his tattoo of a skull. But instead of retreating, Guini did what others have not been strong enough to do.

“I got in my car and just started driving,” Guini said. “His talons went through my roof. I knew it was war.”

Upon arriving home, Guini wrestled the bird into her home, tying him to a chair and blaring her bike light into his eyes. The turkey was quiet for a little while, but when Guini lifted a turkey sandwich from her backpack, Turk E. Smith finally broke down.

“Alright!” Smith hollered. “I’ll talk. We’re takin’ over downtown because we struck a deal with the campus squirrels. You see, when you guys come eat downtown, they lose out on all your trash. You guys keep comin’ out here for your pad thai and your boba, and the little mongrels outside of the Silo are deprived of their half-eaten Doritos Locos Tacos. You pushed us to this! You’re the real criminals!”

Guini was still perplexed as to why the turkeys would get in on this deal. What was the benefit for them? What was the motivation?

“It’s actually quite simple,” Turk E. Smith said. “The squirrels had tickets to Kanye’s show; we wanted to go, and we made it happen. No one even caught onto the fact that one of the audience members was just three turkeys in a trench coat. It was the perfect crime.”

The turkey stated that, even though they have already gotten what they wanted, the partnership would continue indefinitely because the squirrels continue to provide the flock of birds Radioshack gift cards, and they feel awkward about declining gifts.

Written by: Olivia Luchini— ocluchini@ucdavis.edu


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