Life can get lonely as a pastry at the CoHo, especially if you’re not a cinnamon roll or chocolate-filled croissant. Pastries can’t help but imagine a better life — one in which they aren’t trapped behind a pane of glass, but living out their wildest fantasies.
“In my dreams, I’m either an astronaut or a scuba diver. Or both,” said a CoHo scone, who once appeared in a television ad for an erectile dysfunction medication that took place in a small-town bakery. “But instead I’m stuck back here. Nobody wants an unfrosted scone unless it’s the last option. Frosting is all the rage these days.”
As it turns out, scones aren’t the only ones that feel like they are not reaching their full potential as CoHo pastries.
“I see the way people look at the cinnamon rolls,” said an ecstasy bar, whatever that is. “Nobody ever looks at me like that. Is it because I don’t have curves like a cinnamon roll? Or is it because people just don’t know what I actually am? Because sometimes I’m not even sure who I really am. So if they could let me know when they find out that would be great. I have so much time while I’m waiting to be bought to just stare at myself in the glass. But it’s like, the more that I stare, the less I recognize the pastry staring back at me. Spooky.”
The pastry continued its disturbing ramblings by talking about what it desires in the future.
“I’d love to see the world,” the bar continued. “There’s so much out there. I’d love to see ‘UC Davis Memes for Edgey Teens,’ whatever that is. All I really know is that it makes people really happy. I’m constantly hearing students in line talk about it. It must be beautiful. I’d also love to get a chance to finally go to Whole Foods.”
Written by: Brian Landry — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)