Making the most out of your self-destructive habits
Look, we all want to be the best version of ourselves and make our greatest ambitions a reality. But let’s face it: We’re all hot garbage and we probably won’t. However, there’s a way to trick yourself into thinking that you’re going to absolutely kill Spring Quarter, at least in the beginning, so that you can sleep easily despite your lack of effort.
First and foremost, you’ve got to start off the quarter by being involved and active — two words that no one has ever used to describe you. What you ought to do is just buy a stamp with your name, school email and phone number, and just run around during the Club Fair, signing up for quite literally everything in sight. Pre-med club? You’re down. Rowing club? You’re down. Medieval underwater basket weaving with inner-city kids club? You’re the next treasurer of it. Wait until your email is filled to the absolute brim with invites to first meetings, sign-ups for events and all that jazz. Next, star the ones that interest you, so you can weed out the duds. Finally, take your entire Gmail account and throw it into the flames. You’re not doing any of those clubs, you damn liar.
Even though you’re clearly not doing any clubs, you’ll still need to stay organized when it comes to class, studying, work, exercise and basic hygiene, so you’ll need a planner. Ideally, you’ll go to Target and pick out the most expensive one. This is important because you’ll want to feel even guiltier (both morally and financially) when you stop using it after the first three weeks of class. In fact, you’ll also want to splurge on colorful gel pens so you can “color code” your schedule. This is Latin for “an adorable attempt to pretend that this will make you actually work out after class, you lazy sack of lard.” Eventually, you’ll lose these pens in the bottom of your backpack, alongside your dignity and will to live.
Another great habit to start: Study at least two weeks before any major test in your classes. This will be extremely helpful because it will give you time to go to office hours and ask questions on course material you find confusing. But wait: The test is two weeks away —- you can totally go out with your friends instead, just this once. I mean, what’s really going to happen? You still have thirteen days left. Whoops! It’s the day before the test and guess what? You haven’t even unwrapped your textbook from that shameful plastic packing. Way to go, champ!
Lastly, you’ll want to really pick out which friends you want to spend time with this quarter. This is really important because you’ll want someone super special to be there to find you dead, underneath a stack of notes. This is fine because you already dug your own grave with your choices throughout the quarter. Good luck!
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)