Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes or soy milk preferences for second-year Kimberly Timber
Kimberly Timber, a second-year chemical engineering major at UC Davis, has finally had it with all the haters in this cow town. After taking a 20-minute hiatus in the bathroom and wiping all her social media posts from this morning, Timber is back on the scene with some fresh content about her biggest hater yet, CoHo barista Scooter McMinnie.
“Last night, I watched the music video for ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ and it evoked nothing short of a spiritual reaction within my bones,” Timber said. “I’m done with taking bull, just like my queen, T-Swift, and I’m gonna one-up her by also not taking even slight mistakes.”
Timber had done what any saint would do. She sped through her order in a soft mumble while shuffling for her wallet and listening to music, making it impossible for McMinnie to have any questions whatsoever. As she waited for her drink, a chill swept through the CoHo. Timber’s drink was placed on the counter, she took a sip and her worst nightmare was right in front of her: whole milk.
“I totally agree that we messed up her order or whatever, but Kim didn’t even ask us to fix it,” McMinnie said. “She just dramatically crushed the cup in her hand really slowly, making a total flippin’ mess, and then ran to the bathroom.”
Timber emerged with the only true sign of rebellion and toughness: curly bangs. She suddenly had a troupe of ten dancers, one for every calorie she sacrificed to that sip of milk, and a song that was clearly hastily written on a used napkin.
“She just started listing things that she didn’t like about me in sort of a singing voice, but more so just talking,” McMinnie said. “She started with that she didn’t like my apron and snapback, but then she said she didn’t like that I ‘laugh when I lie,’ but I never laughed. It was nine in the morning.”
One barista had enough of this bologna and decided to just remake Timber’s drink, slide it onto the counter and call out ‘Kimberly’ so that Timber would put a stop to everything. It only got more confusing.
“She looked me dead in the eyes — like DEAD in the eyes — and said, ‘The old Kim can’t come to the counter right now,’ and then she waited in silence for like three seconds and then said, ‘Oh, why?’ — no one had asked why — and then said, ‘because she’s dead.’ And I just wasn’t ready for that kind of emo garbage this early,” barista Angelina Jolie said.
Because of this, the CoHo has been forced to ban Taylor Swift in fear that she will inspire more cases of lukewarm insanity on a sad, fall morning. Other students were a bit confused about this proclamation because they all had their headphones on during the incident, but none complained.
“Honestly, if you’re mad at me, just drop an f-bomb and let’s move on,” McMinnie said. But Timber was already getting a tattoo of a snake on her wrist, succumbing to the darkness that Taylor Swift brings to America.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)