I had no idea there were so many women
I have one simple question for the folks who run your paper: Where did all of these women come from all of a sudden? I mean in the most literal sense. I had no idea there were more women than my mom, my sister and Stacy from my feminist studies class.
I’m not totally convinced that all the women speaking out in this latest far-fetched attempt to get “rights” actually have legitimate problems. Women can vote, right? The Civil Rights Act was passed in 1964. So what are we worried about? I for one am a bleeding-heart liberal, but I can’t wrap my mind around all these women coming out and making things up about men. What if the stories are wrong? What if there is a single story that may or may not be made up and is total doo-doo? And by doo-doo, I mean poo-poo, and if your story is poo-poo, I’m NOT listening!
My solution for all of this odd hearsay is to instead make every single woman and every single man who may have problems with one another play a game of squash, and we will believe whoever wins. This is because of the ancient laws of the Squash god, a 500-foot tall gender-nonconforming vegetable who happens to have a beloved sport named after them, and who also has a particular affinity for Backwoods and chilling with the boys on Saturday nights. If the woman really was telling the truth, then I’m sure she’d fight her hardest in a game of squash to prove she was honest and to protect her honor.
As someone who cares very deeply about progressive issues, I will donate my millions I’ve made as an actor to the right causes. (Lord knows I’ve donated millions to the only other public woman I’ve ever heard of, Hillary Clinton.) But come on guys, we gotta be careful about the way in which we approach this issue, because more likely these are men in disguise pretending to be women who are trying to get advancement in the world through illicit means. Remember, no poo-poo. We only want the true-true.
George C. Clueney
Written by: Aaron Levins — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)