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Davis, California

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Humor: This year’s flu created by UC Regents to combat over-enrollment in classes


They’ve done it again

This might come as no surprise to you, but it turns out the UC Regents are behind this year’s especially horrible flu. How, you ask? I’m not exactly sure (I never am), but between all their degrees, I’m sure they found some way to do something that would screw over the entire student body.

Anyway, I guess Davis ran into a problem with seating all its students, and instead of figuring out how to open more classrooms or staff more teachers, the UC Regents thought it would be best to take their favorite approach — one that disregards everyone but themselves. I’m sure it’s more complicated than this, and I don’t really know anything about this particular strain of flu, but I’m just guessing that it had to come from somewhere. And since the property of one bad thing must be caused by another bad thing, I’m choosing to blame the school or the system or whoever is actually in charge.

I’m a little hesitant to say something that’s veering too close to the truth when we’re constantly living in satire, so if it ends up that the UC Regents happened to be funding some ineffective flu vaccine and whatnot, I’m severely sorry. But also, nothing is out of the realm of possibility anymore.

This issue boils down to the simple matter of our lecture halls only seating 300 students while the school continues to admit even more students who are interested in taking that specific class at that specific time. I’m sure there’s an algorithm.

So how did the big people up top escape this epidemic? Easy. They just stay the heck off of college campuses and watch from above — and through the cameras in the lecture hall when they’re feeling sneaky. The unfortunate thing they failed to consider was the flu’s effect on teachers. Turns out sick teachers cost the school money somehow, and even though the problem of over-enrollment was solved, the problem of no teachers was only beginning.

The Regents quickly decided that this would not do, so they whipped out the cure for the flu that they developed in the ‘80s and quickly distributed it with a price tag so high that only the teachers’ UC health insurance could afford it, thereby fixing the problem of over-enrollment in students while simultaneously ensuring that teachers would never miss a day again.



Written by: Rosie Schwarz — rschwarz@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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