Blackface your way to unemployment
Halloween is one of the most wonderfully pagan of all the pagan holidays. It’s a night to let loose and live out your wildest (hopefully legal) fantasies. It’s also a chance to play dress-up, and who doesn’t like that? But while the costume options are limitless, the reality is that picking what to wear requires some careful consideration. It demands sensitivity and a bit of brainwork.
Now, if you read that and decided to turn your sensitivity and common-sense sensors off, I have the perfect idea for you to achieve what every person seems to be chasing: clout. Not only would you receive a limited supply of attention, but you will also be given the beautiful gift of unemployment.
Oh, don’t race to the comment section just yet — let’s talk this through. First things first, you have to decide what form of bigotry will get you the most attention. Most people go for the typical Native American-themed costume, which usually consists of a feather headdress purchased from the nearest Goodwill. However, nothing receives more attention than good old blackface.
That’s right. Go out to the nearest Ulta and purchase the darkest foundation you can find. Luckily for you, this isn’t 2015 when they only had four shades of caramel. Next, go to King’s Wigs and Beauty Supply in Sacramento and find the nappiest wig you can find with a horrendous frontal. Nothing upsets black Twitter like a jacked wig. Lastly, head down to Walmart and buy yourself a misshapen polychromatic sweater, brown slacks and some banana pudding, if you wanna get specific.
If you haven’t used your quick-witted noggin to imagine who this historic black figure is, let me help you. A Bill Cosby “sexy” costume is the perfect discriminatory costume that bridges the gap between blackface and sexual assault. So, after you complete this eye-catching look, be sure to post it on all of your public social media pages. Don’t be afraid to tag woke people of color to your masterpiece post. They will make it a priority to notify your now-former place of work since that was the obvious goal of your foolish escapades.
Anywho, be sure to enjoy your 2018 Halloween, because on Nov. 1 your privileged life will soon be humbled.
Written by: Hilary Ojinnaka — hiojinnaka@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
