Pod save America
As we all know, UC Davis is a pyramid scheme designed to make money off of gullible Californians and even more gullible out-of-staters. You say you’re here to get your degree in neurobiology, physiology and behavior so that you can fulfill your dreams of becoming a pediatric neurosurgeon? That’s what the government wants you to think.
Knowing this fact, not a single Aggie was surprised this past week when UC Davis admins unveiled plans to convert the Tercero dorms into a Japanese-style capsule hotel. For those who hear the phrase “capsule hotel” and think it must be slang for a motel littered with pharmaceuticals, allow me to shed some light on the subject.
Capsule hotels, popular in Japan, are known for their small rooms that only have space for a bed. They’re perfect for the on-the-go businessman, or a person who’s ever wondered what it would be like to be a dead body chillin’ in the walls of a morgue.
This change in floor plan would mean that the school could fit an additional 10,000 freshmen in the dorms.
“I just think it’s a great idea,” said Frances Houseman, vice president of housing at UC Davis. “So $ many $ more $ students $ can $ experience $ the $ magic $ of $ UC Davis.”
Administrators are not the only ones excited about this change.
“I love anime,” incoming freshman Tim Smith said. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to go to Japan, and I also think about what it must feel like to be trapped inside a Pokéball. With these changes to Tercero, I can experience both at the same time.”
Houseman hopes that students are as excited for the pods as she is.
“I know the kiddos are just gonna love them,” Houseman said. “Will they be cramped? Yes. Would it take only a single puff to hotbox the entire capsule? Absolutely. How much money will we make off all the additional students? Let’s just say that our country could get out of its deficit and then some. Will there be loud construction for the next five years? Without a doubt. Go Ags!”
Written by: Madeline Kumagai — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)