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Sunday, November 28, 2021

UC Davis School of Veterinary Medicine discover Gunrock is ‘just a guy in a horse suit,’ lose $3 million in funding

So you’re telling me that’s NOT a real blue horse in a basketball jersey?

The grad students at the UC Davis School of Veterinary Medicine are an exceptionally bright bunch. 

As the top-ranked graduate program for veterinary medicine, they’ve got a series of groundbreaking discoveries under their belt. You know how you can’t feed your dog chocolate or they’ll kick the bucket? They did all of that research at UC Davis. Some dogs may have been harmed in the process, but I digress. They also have pioneered studies on why you can’t give cats belly rubs––spoiler alert: It’s because all cats are assholes. 

Everything in the history of veterinary medicine has led to this moment. Grad students have been working tirelessly on a new project aiming to provide more intel on a species that seems to stalk the students of UC Davis: Project Gunrock. 

“I see this thing everywhere. I didn’t go to Davis for undergrad, so I’m not really from around here, but I can say that that thing is not normal,” said David Spell, one of the top School of Veterinary Medicine students. “It’s like, none of these silly little undergrads are alarmed by a literal blue horse walking around? That could very well be an invasive species!”

The professors of the School of Veterinary Medicine made an astounding admission of ignorance in light of the project’s launch.

“If we’re being frank, the faculty and I haven’t really looked into this ‘blue horse’ much. We’ve been really busy with more important veterinary matters. Did you know, for example, that cats actually don’t have nine lives?” Professor Emeritus Louise Swider told The Aggie. (We did, in fact, know that cats don’t actually have nine lives.)

In light of the pandemic, Project Gunrock was not just gathering research on the species, but also chasing it down. 

“The Gunrock only comes out when there’s a huge gathering of students. We’ve theorized that the Gunrock is trying to increase its chances of finding prey in these scenarios. This is only a theory, though, and has no actual weight. Like cells and string.” A random School of Veterinary Medicine grad student said, clearly not knowing a thing about science. Despite the pandemic preventing large gatherings, the grad students were able to get a hold of a Gunrock, who was caught practicing field goal attempts on the football field.

When the graduate students finally got Gunrock on the operating table, they were practically salivating with excitement. This was the moment they had been waiting for. The moment that would put them in the veterinary Hall of Fame. After a few hours of operating, however, they were met with some very disappointing results. 

“Gunrock is just a guy in a horse suit, everyone. Go home,” David Spell announced to the research heads and reporters that waited just outside the operating room. “It’s just a dude.”

A collective groan could be heard. Research heads immediately pulled the $3 million that they invested in Project Gunrock. The excitement that filled the room was sucked out almost immediately, save one person. 

“I’ve never had this much excitement about myself as a person… I’m glad people are able to appreciate the man behind the mask,” the Gunrock dude said, still slightly traumatized from being poked and prodded by the grad students. He wishes to remain anonymous to “keep the spirit of Gunrock alive.”

Written by: Isabella Chuecos –– ifchuecos@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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