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Monday, September 27, 2021

Uncovered: Davis cows are apparently all just unpaid vet students forced to wear cow suits for class credit

Don’t ask us where the milk comes from

In a recent investigation, it was discovered that UC Davis’ iconic cows are in fact not livestock and are actually UCD students in costumes attending a class. Apparently, the general education class ASS101 (Animal Sociological Studies) requires pre-vet students to spend an entire quarter in cow suits, in order to familiarize themselves with bovine behavior and learn what it truly means to “be the cow.”

“The Davis cows are an important staple of the school,” said ASS101’s Professor Moo. “We allow our students an insight into that experience; I don’t think any other university has that.” 

Moo, who promises that the class is simply educational, is a well-renowned scholar with a Nobel Peace Prize in ecological sciences for research on humane cattle practices. Sadly, no picture of the professor was available for The California Aggie to use. When interviewed over Zoom, the professor would not turn on his camera, insisting that he had a spotty internet connection and that the loud mooing sounds in the background were merely educational videos he was researching.

The class may not be for educational purposes like the professor proposes. Students forced to take the course for their General Education requirements shared with us a shocking revelation—the Davis cows that students and alumni have loved for generations may have never existed in the first place. 

“So according to our syllabus, the class was one of the first to study animal behavior, and nothing screams education like a bunch of students dressed up like cows,” said an animal science major who had taken the class. “But over time, the costumes became good enough that non-animal science students couldn’t tell the difference. And that’s when the cult stuff started.”

Moo asked us to officially state that his course is not a cult and that its listing on the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s (FBI’s) cult watch list is probably a typo. Although The California Aggie is legally obligated to state that we cannot confirm or deny if Moo’s course is a cult, such a claim would explain the weird nightly drummings and strange cow-shaped crop circles seen on the university farm.

Despite the current FBI investigation, ASS101 will be available to pre-vet students next quarter. The class provides cow costumes and other materials, but textbooks and lamb’s blood must be purchased by students separately.

Written by: Ian Cosner — iacosner@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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