New super-coronaviruses discovered

New super-coronaviruses discovered

Photo Credits: Katherine Franks / Aggie

Technically they’re mutants, but that didn’t sound as cool

As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to rage on, many mutations of the virus have developed. Last week, however, researchers that I fabricated in my brain discovered some very strange mutant variants of the coronavirus. 

While observing some of the viruses under the microscope, Dr. Stanley Trask noticed that certain viruses had developed special abilities. “I was checking out the spike proteins on the outside of some of the viruses, and one literally had metal claws.” Trask has nicknamed this one “the angry badger.”

This, however, wasn’t the only mutation that was found. Other researchers in the lab quickly discovered more strange mutations: the ability to control metal, shapeshifting into other viruses and “this one was just bald in a wheelchair.” 

Another researcher, Dr. Jacoby McCoy, found something interesting about some of these mutations. “Some of these mutant viruses would go around killing the regular coronaviruses, but then other mutant viruses fight those mutant viruses and would save the regular coronaviruses. It would make for a really good plot for a comic book series that possibly could be an action film franchise. But who am I kidding, I’m just a doctor.”

According to researchers, the effectiveness of vaccines is unknown against these mutant variants. Strangely, however, most agree that if “they made a movie about the origin story for the virus with metal claws, it probably wouldn’t be worth watching.” 

Currently, more research is needed, so just don’t worry about it. Just stay home and maybe watch a good movie or two. Disney+ has many movies from the X-Men film franchise. If you bundle it with Hulu and ESPN+, it’s a pretty good value because the “Deadpool” movies are on Hulu. What? Did you think this was a real article? 

Written By: Ean Kimura (who is not paid by Disney) — etkimura@ucdavis.edu

Wait then why did he even write this? This is not even selling out. It’s just kind of sad, not even funny and just weird. What’s his deal? Good lord he even did a post-credit scene.

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and/or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

Wait… no, it’s over.

Written By: Ean Kimura (who is not paid by Disney) — etkimura@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and/or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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