Please consider enlisting as a barista to help
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
In the wake of the protein menu release, there has been an unforeseeable surge in demand at all of the on-campus Peet’s Coffee locations. Despite the cold weather, these muscular men make their way to Peet’s in their gym shorts in search of a boost toward their protein goal. This phenomenon creates extremely long lines that deter the average Peet’s consumer from getting their regular caramel macchiato.
Additionally, I have noticed some adverse effects on the brave baristas who are enduring this strenuous work. The other day, my friend could not take notes in class because her hand kept twitching. These baristas are not equipped to battle this newfound demand for protein coffee drinks — they are urgently searching for more baristas to help out, but no one wants the job. Apparently, the only thing worse than a middle-aged angry woman named Karen is an angry gym bro who has yet to reach his protein goal.
I decided to take a seat on one of the bar stools inside of the Silo, so I could really observe the line of customers forming at Peet’s. As one man was showing off his pump to his friend in line, another was picking up his small matcha protein latte.
BANG.
Not even five minutes in, something was already wrong. A man had just slammed his fist on the drink pickup counter.
“This was supposed to be ICED!” he exclaimed in anger. One second later, he threw the hot latte against the wall and it splattered all over the floor.
A hush fell over the crowd of gym bros waiting to place their order. Then, one ducked under the black rope and grabbed the angry man by the shoulder and escorted him outside. A couple of people clapped at his heroism, but it was short-lived — there were more customers to serve. Chatter and gossip filled the air once again as the baristas resumed taking orders. Apparently, this guy was rumored to be on steroids, and most gym bros tried to stay away from him.
One of the baristas came out from behind the counter with a spray bottle and a rag and began cleaning up the mess that the steroid man had left. Once he was done cleaning, he placed a wet floor sign and went straight back to the trenches.
I tallied which of the protein drinks the gym bros were buying, and it turns out that the matcha protein latte is the most popular. When I asked a passing gym bro why he ordered matcha, he said: “It looked good, I don’t know.”
Sadly, that answer didn’t quench my thirst for investigative journalism, so I relied on analytical observation techniques instead. I sat in that Peet’s for almost 10 hours straight to find my answer. My eyes turned red and buggy as I watched an infinite amount of people step up to the counter and order some variation of a protein drink. Then, it hit me. Whenever a gym girl went up and ordered an iced protein matcha latte, the gym bro behind her would order one as well.
I began to write frantically in my notebook to record my findings, but, as I continued to watch, nothing happened. The gym bro didn’t say a word to the gym girl or even look at her — yet this ordering pattern continued throughout the entire time that I spent at Peet’s.
That’s when I realized: The gym bros just need a fun little drink, and they feel inspired whenever they see a woman order a matcha. This protein milk at Peet’s has opened the floodgates to the fun little drink market, and we are experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime boom. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so, to all of the gym bros out there: I hope you hit your protein goal.
Except for you, steroid man.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
