Volkswagen gets an honorable mention because swag is in the name
By MAYA KORNYEYEVA — mkornyeyeva@ucdavis.edu
You’ve probably heard that cars are extensions of our personalities. Whether this is true or not, it’s no secret that drivers are judged by other drivers frequently and with reckless abandon. And by other drivers, I mean me.
A few weekends ago, I was driving a friend home when a slick 911 Carrera Porsche pulled up in front of us at a red light. With a green-gray coat and shiny wheels, this car simply oozed finesse. A wicked smile spread across my face.
“How much do you think it costs?” I turned to my friend. He appraised the vehicle, watched as it sped off in front of us when the light changed green, and said confidently: “$70K.” I googled it — turns out, a 911 Carrera Porsche actually costs $114K, with a 187 mile-per-hour (mph) maximum speed and a four-second 0–60 acceleration. And here, I judged the Porsche driver as a lover of the finer things in life. They could cut in front of me, and I wouldn’t even get mad. Their car was just too beautiful.
With that being said, here are a few of my opinions about what your car brand of choice says about you.
Honda: You’re a millennial. Or a posing Gen X. You’ve probably resigned to live life 9 to 5, drink your morning Starbucks and jog… for fun. If you’re a Civic driver, you think you’re a street racer, but you’re not. If you’re an Odyssey driver, you’re probably always the designated chauffeur of three to six other people. I’m sorry, but you chose this.
Subaru: You have the spirit of adventure — if you’re given the option to go to the beach, wander around on a hiking trail or explore somewhere new, you will definitely seize that opportunity. You’re also the “mom friend:” you’re the one planning trips, organizing rides and thinking logically about every situation. You wear cargo pants and boots and have social justice bumper stickers.
Lexus: I only know one Lexus driver… You’re either extremely cautious or wilding down the road. I don’t think there’s an in-between. Also, you’re probably blasting music with friends or zoning out in silence when driving alone.
Smart: You exist because we let you, not the other way around. Being able to fit in all the tiny spaces must feel great, and I hope you feel a sense of accomplishment. Know that every little girl will point as you drive by and say “Aww, look how cute!”
Toyota: I have some faith in you, but only a little bit. If you speed past me on the highway, I will race you and not back down until I see a cop. If you’re a Prius driver, I know you’re trying to do your part for the environment, but running stop signs is not helping. Stop it.
Mercedes-Benz: You give me the feeling that you have a fancy mustache and drink champagne — maybe you’re secretly an undercover agent? Black is probably your color of choice, and if there’s a casual party, you’ll likely show up in formal attire. You’re a mysterious soul.
Tesla: Depending on who you’re with, you are either given the silent treatment or openly mocked. People call you “Tessie” behind your back. If you look up “Car models we don’t like” and scroll to pictures, the images are all Teslas. But also you must be an intellectual or a parent of an iPad kid seeing as you’re able to steer a car with a digital screen (I would have a hard time).
Any pickup truck: You’re literally the most chill person ever. You’re down to earth and down for anything, whether it’s rescuing a broken-down car on the side of the road or picking up groceries for a friend. You probably have a large dog that rides in the back and barks at pedestrians.
Dodge: I think you’re taking the name a little bit too seriously — zipping in between cars on the highway must feel fun, but it’s also terrifying for everyone else. You probably go to the gym more frequently than most people and choose to unironically get stripes or flame designs on your car. Also, your headlights are way too bright. I can see you coming from a mile away.
Nissan: You’re kinda average. You probably don’t make any impulsive choices, and generate pro-and-con lists for tough decisions. However, everything gets inverted if you drive a Nissan Altima; there are at least five dents or scratches on your car from hitting curbs or trees, and you probably drive with two fingers 90% of the time.
Jeep: As much as I hate to admit it, you’re pretty cool. You’ve probably got a slightly reckless nature and a loud personality, and go really fast over speed bumps for the thrill of it. You definitely have a few other friends who drive Jeeps, and you all have very creative names for your cars.
BMW: I’m always wary of BMW drivers. You may seem calm and collected, but you’ve actually got about 10 parking violations on your record. You never use your blinker and think you own the road — until a Corvette smoothly overtakes you on the highway. Get a cute bumper sticker and I’ll let it pass.
Written by: Maya Kornyeyeva — mkornyeyeva@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
