Mutual support sets the foundation for a healthy relationship
By VIOLET ZANZOT— vmzanzot@ucdavis.edu
I think my list for a perfect partner, relationship or love story started when I was probably 12 years old — when my best friend and I danced in the kitchen at her mom’s house late one night. From there, my list grew and changed, taking on as many different lives as I did.
Here’s about where it stands today: He must be my friend, swing dance with me as we cook dinner, there has to be chemistry, he has to be funny, he has to support my ambitions, I should never wonder how he feels about me, we have to have what I have called the “Obama factor” and timing — we have to have the timing right. Over the years, this semi-incoherent list of ingredients has come together to be the recipe for my perfect relationship: At least, I would imagine.
Like I said, things have been crossed out, erased altogether, added, put back, highlighted, bolded, bent over backwards and underlined as I learned more and more about romantic relationships. By watching my parents divorce, my cousins marry (not each other), friends cry, strangers smile hand-in-hand and through experiencing my own trials and tribulations with matters of the heart, I have cultivated my list. Now that we have arrived to
this point: Generally speaking, what makes a good relationship?
It is that time of the year again when it’s a little colder and chocolates look like they should be bought for you by someone else (they are heart shaped, after all), and everyone seems to be coupled up. But which of these couples are in “good” relationships and, more importantly, what makes them so? Is there a universal “something” that couples need to have in order to be in a healthy relationship?
My answer: mutual support — “security in an insecure world.”
In 2011, Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords survived an assassination attempt. Mark Kelly, astronaut and now congressman, never left her side. Their story began as a friendship, with each bringing along their own complicated histories, as we all do. Over the years, they have stood by each other as strong as twin pillars. They have supported each other’s careers, their passions, their families — in sickness and in health. Even as their needs changed, they were there for each other. As Giffords’ health declined, Kelly nursed her; Their needs changed, but the effort never faltered.
The moral of their story is this aspect of mutual support. In a world where everyone has their own lists of needs for romantic relationships, individual aspirations and life goals, a need for overall support is the constant.
So, when you’re asking yourself if your partner is right for you, check in with yourself first. What do you need? Is your partner supporting that?
Michelle Obama speaks to the challenges that come along with relationships — love is hard, after all. Her main points: Marriage is never 50-50, don’t quit too soon and be your authentic self. Relationships are not always easy, but the work is as much necessary as it is worth it.
Because, when you put in the individual work and the teamwork, you get what I referred to as the “Obama factor.” When Michelle walks into a room, people take note. When Barack walks into a room, people take note. When they walk into a room together, people take note. They stand independently as amazing and successful people and together as the same — they only ever celebrate and amplify each other. They put in the individual work and the team work: that’s how power couples are born — all of the effort for all of the reward.
I implore you now to go out and fall in love, with yourself or with someone else (hopefully both). Remember that beyond your chemistry in a relationship, you must put in the work to support one another. This Valentine’s Day, share the flowers and the chocolate with the one who tickles your fancy, and be there for each other a little more than usual.
Written by: Violet Zanzot— vmzanzot@ucdavis.edu
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