The REAL experts on dating
By MADISON SEEMAN — meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Modern dating is hard. It seems like messy relationships are around every corner: drama, cheating and — worst of all — situationships. Not for me, of course, but fragments of totally ethical eavesdropping and the stories from friends paint a dire picture of the Davis dating scene. Maybe I’m just cynical, or maybe I’m just chronically single, but it’s become clear to me that you all need some advice on how to either keep your relationships clean or leave them behind.
A four-day sixth-grade relationship and what feels like 21 years of watching strangers (and maybe some of my friends) make terrible choices have prepared me for this moment. All the relationships where I’ve been the invisible hand — the whisper in someone’s ear — have given me wisdom I can now impart unto you.
So, no, maybe I wasn’t the actual participant; Call me more of a director than an actor. But, chronically single people know the most about your relationships — it’s true! We’ve been there for every first date, observing the break-up-make-up cycles. You all are Sisyphus, and we watch you from the bottom of the hill, rockless and completely happy.
Ok, so maybe I’m also a little bitter. But I’m here to help! I rounded up some of my chronically single friends to gather relationship advice:
So you’ve captured your target on the dating scene. You’re learning new things about them; you might even find them quirky. But these “quirks” can actually be signs of real relationship-ending issues.
“My friend found out this guy he was seeing was using ChatGPT to draft his texts,” my single friend, Oscar, said. “Like, um, grow up?”
If they’re using ChatGPT for their friends, chances are they’re using it for you, too. Do you want to date a robot? Do you want every text you receive to waste a bottle of water? Do you want to date someone who can’t come up with a response to a text of your day? Call me crazy, but I consider that a pretty clear red flag.
Delilah, another proudly single friend of mine, had another take.
“Hating Chappell Roan; it’s an instant no for me,” Delilah said. “Disliking is one thing, but hate? Just say you hate women. And that applies to women, too!”
And, if you happen to be a man-dater, my single roommate, Elysia, tells me you can know the quality of a man from how honest he is about his height.
“If he’s lying about his height, what else is he lying about?” Elysia said. “What other realities will he refuse to accept?”
My personal advice? As the relationship progresses, you may find your music tastes changing, reminding you of your significant other. While it’s only natural, it’s important to balance out your soft romantic playlists with some cold, hard, reality-check music. “No Scrubs” by TLC, ”Before He Cheats,” “Maneater” (both the Hall & Oates or Nelly Furtado version): all great choices for reminding you that it’s never worth it to put up with anything less than you deserve.
Whether or not the relationship is successful, there’s always something to win from forcing your significant other to share your interests. If you break up, it haunts them, and if you’re together forever, now you can share hobbies!
And of course, always remember the classics: communicate, establish healthy boundaries and never settle. Why invest your time in something that isn’t guaranteed to last? Call it delusion or call it hope — it’s kind of beautiful in an unavoidable trainwreck kind of way. If anything, at least it’s character development, and maybe even the start of something wonderful.
Whatever you do? Listen to your single friends.
Written by: Madison Seeman –– meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
