Column: Worst of DAVE-is

So last week I spoke about some of the things that make Davis great, ranging from grown men beating each other with semi-erect pool noodles to Jusco’s tasty fried calamari. There’s always a great place in Davis to relax and just hang out.

There’s a dark side to Davis, though – one I’m not opposed to by any means. In the next 600 words or so, I will pry open my mind and allow you to see its contents. Maybe you’ll learn something. Maybe you’ll just hate my columns more than you did last week. Either way, without any further ado, here is the Worst of DAVE-is.

Worst grocery store: Safeway. Safeway is bullshit. There are grumpy workers, way too many vegetables, not enough frozen food, no good deals (they don’t slash prices like Save-Mart) and it has a poor grocery store layout (their milk is behind a freezer door for cryin’ out loud).

Safeway is anything but a way that’s safe. In fact, I might even call it a hazardous road as far as grocery shopping goes. And also, needing a membership card for deals is bullshit. This isn’t Costco, okay?

Worst place to get harangued by townies: Probably at the Guads in North Davis. No, it’s definitely at the Guads in North Davis. I’m usually in the very back with my chimichanga with extra cheese, longaniza, refried beans and the Coke bottle import from Mexico. I’m not trying to bother anyone. But when I start yelling things like “fuck,” “shit” and “goddamn,” (all potent sentence-enhancers, by the way) all the townies begin to turn their heads. One townie turned to me, with her 9-year-old son sitting next to her, and gave me this nasty look and said, “Excuse me.”

In my head, I was like … excuse you? Excuse you for what? Excuse you for coming into a fucking cantina that is next to the largest concentration of students in this entire fucking town? Excuse you for thinking you could then bring your 9-year-old son into what essentially amounts to a bar where they serve burritos? Sorry, lady. When you brought little Junior here, you should have known this is a place where rowdy college kids are bound to eat and socialize … with LARGE AMOUNTS OF FUCKING SWEARING. DEAL WITH IT.

Worst bike path in Davis: Between SciLab and Kleiber Hall. That bumpy-ass road is BULLSHIT. Every time I’m on that thing, I feel like I’m on a Universal Studios Theme Park ride – probably the “Jurassic Park – The Ride” ride. (For some reason, Jurassic Park has been in my head this week. You’ll have to forgive me.)

It’s basically bumpy as fuck and there’s no alternate path to survival. People tell me, “You should try the gutter. It’s definitely a smoother ride.”

What?! Are you kidding me? I’ve tried the gutter – you need to do some acrobatic shit to get through there alive. And don’t even get me started on how I must look to other people. Imagine Santa Claus doing defensive line drills while floating forward at 13 miles an hour. Yeah. That’s about right.

Worst place to eat on campus: The Silo. Period. It’s just a neat collection of pseudo fast food joints. (Jacked up prices at fast food joints is a SIN in my opinion. Either make it fancy or make it fucking cheap.) Now, I’m not saying I won’t eat there … what I’m saying is it’s not necessarily good for my waistline. Especially that one time I ordered $10 worth of Taco Bell, but I digress.

Also, the Gunrock Pub needs to turn into a real pub and have a fully operational bar.

I actually have no idea what goes on in the Gunrock Pub. I just like to talk about it because it’s one of those places on campus that everyone knows about but no one ever goes to. Regardless, I don’t think being open for three hours during the day helps.

Does anyone remember Zelda: Ocarina of Time?

DAVE KARIMI just stumbled upon the “Potion Shop” music on YouTube. That song can be played for ANY occasion: about to take a test, walking down the street, speed skating with your hands behind your back in the most badass way possible – the possibilities are endless. He recommends you check out that song and reminisce to him at dkarimi@ucdavis.edu.