Column: Fashion > function

My mom plucks my eyebrows. I run a bit. I play videogames. I like sad music. It seems you know quite a bit of dirt about me, don’t you? Well, there is more to be had – plenty more. If you’re reading this in the paper or PDF version, you’ll probably see that goofy photograph of me on top of this column. Stare long and hard, friends. Something is amiss, and let me tell you, it isn’t that awkward smile.

See those glasses? Oh, no. What about them? They aren’t fake, are they? Most of you are probably thinking just that and you might be a little right.

They’re actually true-to-god, real lenses; they’re just awfully weak. I have near 20/20 vision and my prescription is -.5 for both eyes. So why wear them? It’s simple: I find them aesthetically pleasing. I don’t wear them all the time and I’m certainly not afraid to flesh out the fact that they’re borderline useless (they help a bit at night and in the back of lecture halls).

Yeah, there are studies floating around that people who wear glasses are inferred to be intelligent and others that find that most people who do actually are, but they all mean little to me. Inferred intelligence is a nice added benefit, but that’s not why I wear glasses.

Truth be told, I started wearing my glasses because I am uncomfortable with my weirdo eyelids. Yup, my damned eyelids are the reason. You see (or don’t ya?!), my left eyelid is single lidded most of the time and the right one, double. What do you mean most of the time? I’m not quite sure myself, but sometimes they’ll both be double lidded. Maybe it depends on how tired I am, how much I’ve eaten, or maybe it depends on how good I’m feeling. I have since grown comfortable with my eyelids and do not wear my glasses as often as I did before.

Then, there are the people who are upset at the fact that I wear glasses. “But, you don’t even need ’em!” they’ll say. That’s just downright silly. I think some people are just mad because I have the choice to wear them or not. Some people are condemned to a life of glasses – not really. There’s something called contacts and they’ve been around for a little while. Why do you care if I need to wear them or not? It’s like being upset because someone is wearing hoop earrings and arguing that they serve no function.

People want to look good and feel good; that’s what fashion is all about, right? Hey! That hat isn’t doing you much good indoors! Hey, that nose ring isn’t helping you breathe any better!

You’ve got issues if you’re somehow taking offense to things like this. The only time you can utter a whimper is when that lack of function is hurting them like say, when a girl is wearing a skirt on a freezing, rainy day. Then we’ve got a problem.

I think you’re being mad just to be mad, and I’ll laugh at you each and every time. There are oodles of people who wear glasses and don’t need them. Just be wary of the ones that are fake about fake glasses – or don’t be wary at all. ‘Cause why should you?

In the end, there are always going to be haters. And, haters are gonna hate. If you’ve got a problem with me wearing glasses despite them being borderline useless, come at me, bro. I’ll laugh at your face.

Worry about yourself and let others live the way they want to.

LARRY HINH can see you! Have something to say about him? Tell him at lthinh@ucdavis.edu.