Column: T-Swift

There already exist too many Taylor Swift-related opinion articles in the world. Most discuss her lack of vocal talent, her annoying publicized relationships or her faux-vintage style. The rest defend her, claiming that no other artist produces music as catchy and true as the princess’ chart-topping “hits.”

As much as I would adore to express my roller coaster feelings toward Ms. Swift, I’m going to focus on her recent attempts to appeal to multiple audiences.

If Taylor wants to remain a semi-talented songwriter, I’m sure no one would object to it. “Love Story” stands as one of her truly best products, and the lyrics are actually sweet, non-repetitive and can be adored by different generations.

But her recent creations lead me to believe that she outsources her “skills” to Kidz Bop. If you aren’t one of her die-hard fans who has already bought and listened to her new album Red and waits for singles to become popular to listen to her music, then you are in for a treat.

Sit yourself down with a bowl of popcorn and get ready to laugh your ass off. If “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” hasn’t already made you rip out your eyeballs, get ready to rip off your limbs with “I Knew You Were Trouble.” Catchy, as usual, but get this: Taylor Swift attempts DUBSTEP.

I spat out my food the first time I heard that one. I rolled my eyes to the back of my head when I heard her first single off this album. My mom even went “Oh God, not again. Here we go.” If this “woman” is so talented, why can’t she produce music that doesn’t make you embarrassed to sing along to?

Next up, skip to the song “22.” Ooh, how unique. I wonder what the song’s about. Oh yeah, and if you didn’t know, this “woman” is 22.

Remember the title of Adele’s latest album? 21. Twenty-freaking-one. Think about that one.

Back to this gem of a song. The lyrics begin with “It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters / And make fun of our exes uh uh uh uh.” Need I say anymore? Yes.

“Tonight’s the night we forget about the deadlines, it’s time uh uh.” What freaking deadlines do you have, Taylor? Most 22-year-olds these days are dealing with college and graduate school or real careers that challenge the mind, stress the body and underpay.

And while I have you gagging, I’m going to add this last lyric in here: “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22 / Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22.” The question we’re all asking is … What the hell does it feel like to be 22? Pretty sure it feels nothing like what her 22nd year feels like.

I guess this CD does entertain people of different audiences.

And did anyone watch her performance at the EMAs this week? If not, go online. Now. She “performs” “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” in a ringleader costume surrounded by circus performers, fire and random props.

Sure, Lady Gaga’s performances leave most confused, but I can honestly say that I’ve never said “What the EFF” more during a video than I have with this one.

I don’t know what this girl is doing with her “career” these days with her “performances” and “music.” Adele is more entertaining sitting on a stool in all-black garb than you are parading around in short-shorts and a glitter tailcoat.

Get your shit together, Taylor Swift.

Contrary to this entire column, ELIZABETH ORPINA will continue to listen to Taylor Swift’s music while biking. Yell at her for illegally wearing both earbuds at arts@theaggie.org.