Humor: Research finds that impending nuclear war could actually be good for average already-dead American

SAMANTHA COHEN [CC BY 2.0] / FLICKR
Praise be to the Great Button

The button sits on the desk of Our Leader, its extremely cliche red glow throbbing in the darkness of the Oval Office. How big is this button? Very, very big. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that the big boy button sitting on the desk of a very good boy was in fact the size of the Oval Office. That’s right, our Great Leader expanded his desk to the size of the entire Oval Office, and the button eclipses even this desk. No one can actually go into the Oval Office because of this big-ass button.

Now you may say that this is impractical, excessive, even insane. But is anything too big for America? No, I don’t think so.

Everyone, especially our Wise Leader, understands that the size of one’s button reflects one’s power. A small button? Perhaps you are puny Iceland, or weak Canada. A medium button? Now we are approaching Britain, a nice country whose ass needs to be whooped by America every so often. A big button? Only a very Big Boy could have a Big Button. And you know who’s a Big Boy? Kim Jong Un. But you know who’s even Bigger Boy? DONALD TRUMP (PRAISE BE TO HIS NAME).

So have no fear when the nuclear war evaporates absolutely everything you love. If you’re already dead, this shouldn’t be a problem. There are so many pros to this if you’re already dead. Trust me, the administration’s very own Donald Trump Research Department has found that, in fact, if you’re already dead, this nuclear war could be a very nice thing indeed. And if you’re conservative, you’re going to heaven anyways, so what do you have to worry about?

Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)