The Center for Disease Control published a study last week revealing that humans are actually parasites rather than apex predators, as initially thought by many hypermasculine men, warmongering politicians and corporate maggots.
“We finally determined that humans are indeed parasites,” said John Mueller of the Division for Parasitic Diseases. “It’s not based in race, gender or anything like that. We’re all accountable. All I can say for sure is that tapeworms are posers.”
The official document from the study is hard to read after all of the words Trump redacted, but the gist of it is that human interaction with all lifeforms and material on the Earth is purely parasitic.
“Humans have existed for roughly 200,000 years,” Trump said, “mostly f—ing and murdering one another until civilizations arose in the past 6,000 years. The majority of damage to the Earth has been done in the past 200 years, though, so I’d say we’ve become much more efficient. ‘POTUS’ will now mean Parasite of the United States.”
Instead of telling women that they’re pregnant, doctors must now tell them that they have a parasite inside of them. I sat in on one of these conversations and interviewed the doctor to get deeper insight into the changes that will be made in the medical field.
“Hello ma’am, we wish to inform you that you have a parasite inside of you,” Dr. Buster Hyman said. “It will consume much of what you eat, contribute to substantial weight gain and, most importantly, give you the ability to sit in handicapped seating.”
“I was asked if I had a parasite inside me,” second-year Katherine Weaver said. “But I’m just fat. It was humiliating.”
The new season of “Monsters Inside Me” will focus entirely on child birth, according to Animal Planet representative Eric Shun.
“You see, once the parasite is birthed, it will continue to drain the host of money, energy and any form of pleasure,” Shun said. “We are advocating for what is now called post-natal abortion, which the White House conservatives surprisingly support.”
“If it’s inside of her, she can’t get rid of it,” President Trump said. “You have to let it be birthed, then we can kill it before it starts bleeding the welfare. That’s a respectful execution.”
Planned Parenthood will now be issuing large doses of antibiotics and wormwood as part of the parasite removal, or for those who are more masochistic, a very powerful kick to the stomach.
“We are hesitant to use antibiotics due to the potential development of a superbug,” said Planned Parenthood Aborter Edith McCrotch. “But seeing how things are going on this earth, who really gives a shit anymore. My job training has been squats and stretching in order to develop the most powerful kick. I might even buy spiked cleats.”
While humans are no longer apex predators, there are now “parasite predators” that prey on children and drain their innocence. This will be featured in the new “Predator” film, where the otherworldly villain will shoot dildos from a shoulder-mounted cannon and slay children with a Christian sceptre.
Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
