The list is just as unorganized as the character select menu
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is unquestionably the most inclusive Smash game yet, possibly even the best Smash game released (apart from their menus — literally why did they decide to make the most irritating changes they could?). All of us who like to settle our problems through Smash know that there’s one character we each hold dear — our favorite, best or most troll-worthy. Our main. As your premiere authority on Smash in Yolo County, I’ve written a little list that I hope you will enjoy and will not get me sued by Nintendo: What your Smash main says about you.
Ice Climbers — Let’s just say the Lannisters approve
Piranha Plant — Most of your YouTube comments consist of “first”
Inkling — You’re either a squid or a kid
Sheik — You’re still holding on to the past when there are so many newer opportunities
Megaman — After you’re jumpin’, you’re probably gonna do some shootin’
Donkey Kong — The eyes… just don’t look him in the eyes!
Kirby — Constantly in need of that gud succ
Mii Brawler/Gunner/Swordfighter — You need to show your art to the world, but maybe you shouldn’t
Wii Fit Trainer — You’re compensating for your own lack of stretching
Sonic — Be honest: How much do you browse DeviantArt?
Ryu — You still just button mash until the bad man goes away
Ken — The hipster version of Ryu, except you swear your button-mashing is better
Rosalina and Luma — Refer to The Weeknd’s “Starboy”
Zero Suit Samus — You had your sexual awakening through video games
Samus — You enjoy screwing people (out of the win)
Dark Samus — What did I just say?
Villager — You enjoy being Satan incarnate
Isabelle — You enjoy being Satan’s little pet Cerberus
Fox — Your movement consists of mostly barrel rolls to the right
Falco — Your movement consists of mostly barrel rolls to the left
Wolf — You try to do a barrel roll, but just end up helpless off the stage
Pikachu — You’ve been that one down-B spammer guy for too long
Pichu — Just the tryhard version of Pikachu
Meta Knight — Edgelord supreme since 2008
King K. Rool — Edgeguard supreme since 2018
Lucario — You’ve finally come to terms with your breakup with Mewtwo
Mewtwo — You never gave up on your first love
Yoshi — Most friends have a love-hate relationship with you
Ness — You wish you could juggle in real life as well as you do in the game
Lucas — You gave up on juggling and prefer to just float around
Jigglypuff — You need to calm down and get some rest
Mario — The OG, tried and true is the only thing for you
Dr. Mario — The same as Mario, except you wasted your time on a useless Ph.D
Marth — People call you straight edge and to the point
Roy — Loud and proud
Lucina — Constantly trying to prove how good you actually are
Chrom — Same as Lucina, except you don’t want to try as hard
Robin — You still need to ask friends for help all the time
Ike — You used to fight for your friends, but now you just fight with your friends
Link — You name all your Legend of Zelda Characters Lonk
Young Link — You’re convinced the Gamecube controller should be used for every game
Toon Link — In a constant state of middle child syndrome
Mr. Game & Watch — You’re constantly hammered and throwing your meat around
Cloud — You still think trench coats and sleeveless turtlenecks are fashion statements
Pokemon Trainer — The most indecisive person
Snake — The concept of object permanence is lost on you
Wario — WAAAAAAHAAAAA (also, you’re very gassy)
King Dedede — Human trollface
Greninja — You have a constant oral fixation
Pac-Man — You’re constantly losing your keys
Luigi — People who bullied you in high school should watch out now
Peach — You act like a damsel in distress to get what you want
Daisy — Did I stutter?
Captain Falcon — You’re always the designated driver
Bowser — Anytime you’re losing, you make sure no one else is having fun anymore
Bowser Jr. — You’re just. Like. Your father!
Zelda — You were never the damsel in distress, just the artsy one who drew doodles and cosplayed
Ganondorf — There is no 100 percent around you
Pit — She tells you not to worry about other guys
Dark Pit — She tells guys not to worry about you
Diddy Kong — The MacGyver of the group, but you still can’t manage to pick up your trash
Olimar — You microdose LSD and have just accepted your role as The Plant King
R.O.B. — You make sure everyone knows you’re the real Nintendo fanboy
Little Mac — Getting gimped is your kink
Palutena — Not as innocent as you look
Shulk — Your accent only comes out when you’re angry
Duck Hunt — Constantly confused as to why you’re even here, but fun at parties
Corrin — You can’t do anything but be counter to what other people do
Bayonetta — Everything’s up in the air for you
Ridley — Most likely to “YEET” in any given situation
Simon — Moderator of Dank Christian Memes
Richter — Moderator of Dank Christian Memes for Devout Christian Teens
Incineroar — Always throwing shit around
Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
