Humor: What your major says about the crimes you’ll commit to pay off student loans

Human rights minors, I’m watching you very carefully

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

Animal Science: Animal gravedigging.

Applied Physics: First of all, what is applied physics? I apply physics every time I push someone on an electric skateboard into the street — no one has offered me a bachelor’s yet. 

Art Studio: Forgery.

Art History: Historical forgery.

Atmospheric Science: Broadcast meteorologist who becomes drunk on fame and attacks an intern with a cloud-shaped prop live on television.

Biomedical Engineering: Scary robot crimes.

Chemistry: Illegal fireworks operations.

Cinema and Digital Media: Creative espionage.

Civil Engineering: Failure to apply erosion control on active construction sites.

Computer Science and Engineering: Who am I kidding? Congrats on financial security, bro.

Genetics and Genomics: “Jurassic Park” stuff. Jeff Goldblum was right.

Entomology: I don’t know, but I’m scared.

Environmental Horticulture and Urban Forestry: Illegally growing weed in your apartment.

Food Science: Cooking the books, ​​fudging the numbers, etc. 

French: Publicly annoying me via excessive use of vowels. G’et ooute ouf mye fàcé.

International Relations: World War III.

Managerial Economics: Embezzlement.

Marine and Coastal Science: Training dolphins to commit “Ocean’s Eleven”-style heists.

Pharmaceutical Chemistry: Drugs, duh.

Philosophy: Premeditated murder.

Political Science: Public corruption, but in a fun way.

Religious Studies: Starting a cult, which isn’t technically a crime, so good for you.

Psychology: Also starting a cult, but this one involves crime.

Theatre and Dance: Treason.

Undeclared: Credit card fraud, general.

Viticulture and Enology: Rebottling wine from Trader Joe’s and selling it for $900 a pop. Honestly, you did nothing wrong.

Wildlife, Fish and Conservation Biology: Oyster piracy.

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)