Which celebrity we need to set up with our star football player

It would be in our Wildest Dreams that we see New Romantics emerge in a relationship akin to a Love Story, if not, then we’ll Shake it Off for a Cruel Summer (Taylor’s Version)

By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu

A few months ago, an honest working man of the name Travis Kelce had a bracelet, a phone number and a dream — and his mom for emotional support. He defined to the world how to shoot your shot and now he’s dating the megastar sensation that is Taylor Swift, at the peak  of her Eras tour hype.

I don’t know if anyone else knows this, but Kelce is an NFL player for the Kansas City Chiefs — which sounds like a problematic name in my opinion and the team isn’t even based in Kansas. But since his relationship with Taylor Swift started getting official, his NFL games are increasing in views, his ratings for tight end re-election have gone up, the team’s stock prices have doubled and a bunch of Swifties have forced their boyfriends to dress up as him for Halloween. He cracked the code, and that’s exactly what UC Davis has to do.

Every year, we try new strategies with our football team in hopes of getting our big break, our big win, but this was clearly the wrong idea. Playing better football isn’t gonna make us a better team. Dating relevant celebrities is. That is why I am formally pitching a list of celebrities that we need to set up with our UC Davis star tight quarter safety backer running offensive linemen tackle person position, or something.

Ariana Grande: I think this could work if we said pwetty pwease

Bhad Bhabie: She could sing our walk up song and it would be so hype

Coach Sue Sylvester: Would whip those boys into shape

Idk maybe Taylor has a sister who’s single? Worth a shot ahaha

Esteemed psychology professor Priscilla San Souci: Can explain to the team what went so wrong in their childhood that they feel a need to assert their manhood by chasing balls and hitting each other

The rival school’s quarterback’s sister

Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)