Who I’d beat in a fight: UCD edition

Not literally, just metaphysically

To be honest, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot lately and just PR’d on bench press (35 lbs), so I feel confident in my ability to take out my frustrations and show off my two months of Krav Maga practice. I’ve been eating a lot of butternut squash tacos at the DC too, and my protein intake is the highest it’s ever been. Therefore, I’ve made a list of people I feel confident I could take on in a fight in the University of California, Davis vicinity.

The Egghead in front of the library

15 squirrels (at once)

ChatGPT (verbal argument)

A frat brother working security (they have a 20% blood alcohol level)

Two turkeys (at once)

My RA

David Dobrik (he has no affiliation with UC Davis, he just has a stupid face)

Any electric scooter owner

Anyone from Cuarto

The people working the desk at the ARC (they seem low energy so I’d offer them a slurp of my Celsius but they’d get mad and post my ID on the UC Davis Snapchat story)

A computer science and engineering (CSE) major (too depressed to fight back)

Those lazy freeloaders in the hammocks on the Quad

Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)