Someone please tell me this happened to them too
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
I recently changed my major to managerial economics with an accounting minor, because I realized that I’m passionate about getting a lot of money. The transition was fairly easy, I was able to get all of my prerequisites done, and now I’m tackling the upper-division classes. What made the transition so easy was all of the helpful people in class and the advising office.
The real help, though, was this super secret society that I joined. I can’t tell you where we meet or at what time, because I don’t even know. We find out the addy the day of, so there’s no chance of it getting out. Not that I think you would be invited even if you did figure it out — it’s a super secret and selective club.
I feel super special because I was recruited by the leader of the club. He ambushed me outside of my ARE 100A class and covered my head with a bag and dragged me away. At that moment, I thought it was the end for me. I was thinking of all of the ways that my kidnapper was going to murder me and then chop me into little pieces when he took the bag off of my head.
We were in some random classroom, and it was really dark except for one candle lit in the middle of the room. This was the recruitment ceremony. They all went around and said their favorite stocks and then it got to me, and I didn’t have an answer. Booming laughter filled the air as they all looked down upon me. As the ceremony went on, I was pretty confused, but I went along with it, because all of my professors kept telling me to network. But, to make matters worse, I also forgot my calculator that day — which made them laugh at me again.
Anyway, the meeting ended when they told me that once the change of major form was approved on Oasis, I needed to be prepared for my initiation ceremony. I was scared of what they would do if I forgot my calculator again. I lived in fear for the few weeks following my approved change of major. I checked around every corner with a little mirror, too.
They managed to get me when I was in the library. Sadly, I was a little too locked in. I was dragged once again but this time to the Arboretum. If I wasn’t terrified, it actually would have been pretty beautiful. They had fairy lights all pinned up, and there were flowers everywhere. After I said my favorite stock, they made me use the calculator to balance some accounts. It was a little strange, but there could be worse networking events.
Suddenly, really loud music began to play, and everyone started stomping their feet. Then I heard rustling, and as I looked above my head, there was a Patagonia vest floating. Waiting for me. I lifted my arms up into the air and let it descend onto my body.
Finally. I’m a finance bro. Time to diversify my stock portfolio.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
