With these tips, who needs to touch grass?
By MADISON SEEMAN — meseeman@ucdavis.edu
We live in rough times. Between today’s news, yesterday’s news, tomorrow’s news and the 10-week sprint that is the quarter system, there is a lot to process. When the going gets tough, it is important to put your needs first and practice self-care. However, the self-care tips I see online only make me want to gag.
Staying hydrated? Getting eight hours of sleep? Touching grass? It all sounds completely unrealistic and immensely boring. They just don’t work for me, and I know I am not alone. Exercising is a hassle, and meditation takes too long. Not going on your phone first thing in the morning is really just impossible, and you will never get me to eat kale. You just can’t!
Luckily for you all, this college student has been struggling, and, in that time, I have picked up a healthy habit or two. Here is my cultivated collection of universal self-care tips, tried and tested by yours truly.
- Connect with your inner child and revive old childhood hobbies: It doesn’t matter if it is coloring pages, playing Minecraft or eating paper. Some of us used to roll in the mud, and some of us used to chew on crayons. Bring these classic pastimes back! Whatever works — I won’t judge.
- Cut yourself some new bangs: An oldie, but a goodie. Yes, you probably will regret it in the long run. But the short-term satisfaction you will get from shaking up your life is totally worth the long-term pain and regret. Like, a little bit worth it at least. Just don’t think about it now; That’s a problem for you in the future.
- Never touch Hinge ever again: Yes, happy early Valentine’s Day! But let’s be real — it is only doing damage to your faith in romance and humanity. Free yourself: Hinge is NOT the place to yearn.
- But still, let yourself yearn: Just let it out.
- Start a podcast: Journaling is out, podcasting is in. Why keep your thoughts private when you can release them for everyone to hear, permanently solidified in your digital footprint? The people deserve to know your thoughts on your biology professor’s oversharing problem!
- Do not try to teach your friends any new board games: Don’t go chasing chutes and ladders, instead stick to the rivers and lakes that you are used to. It never goes as smoothly as you think it will.
- Order a Shirley Temple: If you must make it dirty, I can’t stop you. But nothing is better for the soul than the perfect ratio of grenadine and Sprite. Joy is stored in the maraschino cherry.
- Create rituals: Even better, get people to join your rituals. Even better than that, start a dedicated club where everyone can participate in these rituals. I recommend investing in robes and candles. You might get into some legal trouble if people start to think you’re a “cult,” so best to keep this ritual club a secret. And, if you are too lazy to start your own ritual club, try someone else’s!
- Dig yourself a hole to hide in: We can’t stop bad things from happening, but we can temporarily hide in a hole. Just for a few hours!
Everyone needs a pick-me-up now and then, and, really, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. If you are one of those rare types who enjoys yoga or going to the gym — good for you, keep it up!
As for the rest of us, we will just keep finding comfort wherever we can. Maybe there is something to those online lists of self-care advice or maybe there is a perfect tip for you on my own list (try at your own risk). Whatever you do, just take care!
Written by: Madison Seeman –– meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
