Being the perfect person isn’t a prerequisite for finding love and connection
By JHANA RHODES—jsrho@ucdavis.edu
Valentine’s Day comes around yearly, reminding me that I am still single. And, recently, I’ve been the only single person among my friends. Don’t get me wrong: I am ecstatic that they have all found people who can appreciate them as the fantastic human beings they are.
Not too long ago, I cried tears of joy after my friend told me her boyfriend told her he loved her (three times in a row). In the past, she has been through tumultuous relationships that have left her traumatized. It took years of reflection, therapy and self-care before she was finally ready to move forward. Although she’s stronger now, some wounds still need tending.
As a part of her journey and a key witness to her ups and downs, I realized that if she can work through her trauma, then so could I. For the past few years, I’ve been telling myself that the day I’m fully healed is the day I’ll be ready for a relationship. I’ve spent hours writing imaginary checklists of all the things I believed I had to do before I could even consider a relationship:
- Lose a few more pounds
- Make more money
- Go to therapy
The conditions were endless. But, if I’m being honest, the more I added to my list, the more I felt like I needed to become someone else entirely.
Recently, after one of my infamous cry sessions with my friend over the phone and a little self-reflection, I realized something important. I don’t need to be fully recovered to deserve love and connection — and neither do you.
Being completely healed is a myth. We would all like to think that life can be perfect, but that isn’t the case. Life is complicated, insecurities exist and bad things happen. Unfortunately, we have to deal with those insecurities and experience trauma. However, it’s important to remember that real healing is an uphill, continuous journey you must go through for yourself. It’s not a mirage, and it’s not easy.
Don’t get me wrong — it’s perfectly fine to recognize that you need personal time for growth before dating. If anything, I encourage it. It shows that you are independently taking the time to work on becoming the best version of yourself. However, keep in mind that you don’t have to reach perfection just to find love.
I used to make the mistake of assuming the relationships I saw online and in the media were what relationships should be like. Everything I saw online was perfect. Perfect clothes, perfect bodies, perfect lives. Everyone appeared to be healed and have found their inner peace. However, I failed to realize that what I saw in the media was only a fraction of the relationship. The relationships I see in real life are, in fact, not perfect, and neither are the people in them. Individually, they all have insecurities and trauma that they are dealing with, just like me and just like everyone else. Nonetheless, they are learning, growing and healing as individuals and as couples.
In fact, an imperfect relationship can have many benefits. Finding someone you can learn and grow with is a mutually beneficial experience. As you become the best version of yourself, it’s nice to know that you have a partner with whom you can practice vulnerable communication. Mutual trust and vulnerability, when shared consensually and respectfully, create a space for you to share your experiences and support each other’s healing processes.
That being said, here’s a disclaimer: I’m not a therapist, psychiatrist or expert on love and relationships. I’m not promoting or condoning unhealthy relationships. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take personal time to work on yourself, neither am I implying that being single is bad. Whether you’re looking for a partner or not — you know yourself best, you know what you need to work on and you know what you’re looking for. However, do what makes you the happiest and the healthiest. Please remember to be gentle with yourself, set realistic expectations and continuously practice self-awareness.
It’s okay to have insecurities while in a relationship. However, we must recognize and avoid unhealthy and dysfunctional behaviors. These behaviors include (but are not limited to) neglecting your personal needs and manipulating, controlling or being violent. Instead, we must seek out and practice healthy behaviors like effective communication, patience, trust, honesty — the list is endless. Remember, it takes two to tango. This applies to both partners, as healthy relationships require mutual commitment and effort. You should never tolerate or remain in a relationship where you or your partner feel abused, unsafe, unhappy or neglected.
If you find yourself needing more support, you’re not alone. Speak to a professional, a friend, a family member or someone you trust. UC Davis has an amazing team of counselors and counseling services, such as the Student Health and Counseling Services, that can hopefully aid your healing process. They offer psychiatric services, individual and group therapy and 24/7 crisis support. You can find more information about these services at https://shcs.ucdavis.edu.
We all should learn to love ourselves first instead of trying to become the perfect person for someone else. No matter who you are, you are worthy, loved and accepted. One day (if you haven’t already), you will find someone who treats you with respect and sees all the extraordinary qualities you have. And, of course, they will love you unconditionally — flaws and all.
Written by: Jhana Rhodes— jsrho@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.
