A lose-lose college classic
By MADISON SEEMAN — meseeman@ucdavis.edu
The sun was shining, the birds were chirping but, somehow, out of the nearly thousands of people who walked past where I was tabling, only a sympathetic few actually stopped to grab a sticker and stay for the spiel.
There are few constants in life: the sun, the moon and tabling college students. As long as college education exists, students will be found at foldable tables, trying to trap other students for one thing or another. It’s a campus classic!
Whether you’re freezing on the bench of a picnic table or zipping past very eager and borderline desperate faces, there’s not a single UC Davis student who hasn’t encountered tabling. And, if somehow you haven’t — what the hell? Please share your secrets.
I’ve looked at tables from both sides now and I’ve only learned one thing: Everybody is suffering. This past year I have seen the worst of humanity — guerilla tactics from both sides of the table — and I’m here to give you the inside scoop.
They’re camped out at the Memorial Union (MU) and the Silo, just waiting to catch vulnerable students unawares. What do they want? It depends. Some tablers want new club members. Some want to raise awareness for real issues. Some want you to join them for some Korean BBQ, which comes with a secret side of Christian conversation.
Some tables trap you with an ambiguously designed banner. Others might lure you in with compliments: “Oh, I like your shirt and, hey, would you like to convert to my religion?” And don’t forget the stickers — props are everything. Maybe it’s my fault that I can’t say no to a good sticker, but hey, it’s a free sticker. And the wheel? You’re telling me I get to spin a wheel? I’ve seen people who get more joy from the wheel than the prizes on it.
But there are also expert table-avoidant targets that have perfected the slippery art of table-based subterfuge. In my tenure both tabling and avoiding tables, I’ve come across a few prominent and successful strategies.
Modern innovations have brought us the cellphone, which has many uses — the best of which is looking at your lock screen really intently when you don’t want to lock eyes with an especially pushy table.
Next, the speed walk is an oldie but a goodie. How can a tabling student even think of stopping you if you pass them faster than they can say, “Free stuff?”
A personal favorite of mine is the guilt trip. As you walk by the table, make sure to let that stress you’ve been feeling all day really show on your face. The more visible your distress, the worse of a person that tabler would be for trying to haggle you. Bonus points if you can shed a single tear.
While a little less theatrics, switching all the way to the far side of the sidewalk also gets the job done. Only excessively dedicated students will breach the distance and haggle if they have to yell. The only downside to this strategy is that, when done ungracefully, it’s comedically obvious.
Then, there are those lucky few who walk around with genuine horse blinders, which is the ultimate strategy, however unintentional. The easiest way to avoid a table is to not even know it’s there! Ignorance truly is bliss.
As dreadful as tabling and being tabled at can be, it’s (mostly) nobody’s fault. Whether it’s rejection therapy for you or whether you’re the rejection therapist yourself, at some level we all understand each other. I don’t want to yell at you and you don’t want to feel guilty for ignoring me. The tabling cycle is an endless struggle; College students may be trapped ‘till the end of time. So, if you have the time, stop by — or don’t, we don’t blame you.
Written by: Madison Seeman –– meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
