UC Davis students share what helped them heal from breakups and move forward
By AMBER WARNKE — features@theaggie.org
Breakups are a near-universal experience most people go through at some point in their lives. Whether it is ending a decade-long relationship or a one-month fling, they can affect people in a variety of ways, and can even cause some degree of emotional trauma. Breakups can involve some of the most impactful emotional triggers, including abandonment, betrayal and a loss of confidence.
Additionally, students may find breakups difficult due to social pressure to find their soulmate in college, having friends in relationships or seeing couples holding hands all over campus. Despite the difficulty they can pose, breakups can allow people to eventually meet the one they are meant to be with and find healing — however long that takes.
Sophia Aceves, a fourth-year sociology major, went through a breakup in November, and said that focusing on the parts of her life outside of a relationship has helped her recover emotionally.
“What has helped me overcome that was continuing to branch out, making new friends,” Aceves said. “Music is huge for me too — [I’m] getting a lot more into DJing as well as music production, and just really expressing my feelings through my songs that I make.”
Although Aceves’ road to healing has been difficult for her at times, Aceves hopes that what she has learned from her relationship will help her to find a healthy partner in the future.
“With each relationship, my standards get higher,” Aceves said.
Heather Williford, a fourth-year cognitive science major, believes that the first step to healing is acknowledging the reality of the pain associated with going through a breakup.
“It’s a grieving process — grieving the future you didn’t get to have with the person that you’ve been thinking about for the duration of the relationship,” Williford said.
For Williford, the hardest part of going through a breakup can be the rumination that comes with it, something that countless others that have experienced the end of a relationship can relate to.
“Trying to understand what you could have done differently, trying to accept that maybe there’s nothing you could have done differently [is one of the hardest parts],” Williford said.
Williford’s methods of managing the emotions associated with breakups involve refocusing her life in a healthy way and connecting with the people in her life that bring her meaning.
“What was helping the most is just keeping busy, [and] having friends,” Williford said. “It’s definitely a lot easier to deal with breakups now in college that I have a bigger social circle and closer friends, too.”
Rachna Halker, a UC Davis alumna, has also found healing by channeling her energy inward after her breakup.
“What’s helping me right now is thinking of it as self-rediscovery,” Halker said. “This is an opportunity for me to show all the care and kindness I give to other people to myself, and to learn how to enjoy my own company again. It’ll take a while, but I’m in no rush.”
Halker sees her breakup not only as an opportunity for inward growth, but also as a chance to define what she does want in her next partner.
“I know what kind of person would be the best for me going forward and what qualities to look for,” Halker said. “I will never let someone waste my time again just because they were too scared to admit that the relationship wasn’t working.”
Williford similarly believes that the best way to heal is to focus on the future, rather than let “what might have been” consume every thought.
“The best thing you can do is accept that it’s over and move on,” Williford said. “It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to grieve, but you can’t let it take up all your mental energy. My go-to, at least for the immediate future, is to block them.”
This approach is backed by science, with Psychology Today reporting that people with coping mechanisms focused on not tracking, monitoring or re-establishing communication with their ex, tended to do better after a breakup. Letting go of the belief that an ex might come back can free someone going through a breakup from false hope. It can allow them to heal and find someone capable of being a healthy partner for them, rather than allowing someone who has already hurt them to take up any more time in their life.
In addition to going “no contact” with exes, Williford also suggested spending more time with animals after a breakup.
“Getting a pet is nice; You have someone to cuddle with,” Williford said. “You have someone that wants you around.”
While there are many ways people can cope with the end of a relationship, Halker pointed out that everyone takes breakups at their own pace.
“No matter what, you have so much time, and you don’t need to operate on anyone else’s timeline but your own,” Halker said. “You’re good, as you are right now, and the people that truly matter in your life see you.”
While the dating world can be full of heartbreak and disappointment, students believe that it can be helpful to remember that it is normal to feel this way. Not everything has to come together right now, and sometimes long-lasting relationships can take time to find.
“Dating is awful, but everything will be okay, I guess,” Williford said.
Written by: Amber Warnke — features@theaggie.org
