Friendship is the new marriage
They can teach us just as much about love as romantic relationships
By AMBER DUHS — alduhs@ucdavis.edu
Midnight movies and long walks on the beach, day-trip vacations and evening debriefs — the more I think about it, the more it seems I’ve experienced the most romantic of excursions with my closest platonic friends. It’s no secret that Gen Z has a proclivity for close friendships; we often audibly declare our platonic love to each other, block valuable time out for one-on-one hangouts and may even receive the occasional romantic allegation between friends.
As we grow older, the role of friendship in our lives has evolved from looking for basic social counterparts to developing some of the most important relationships we may ever experience. Social relationships are important parts of our self-identity and personal development, and teach us how to build trust and affection, connect deeply with others and even resolve interpersonal conflict.
While Gen Z is dating less than previous generations and placing less emphasis on romantic partnership than ever before, this may actually be one of the healthiest social developments we’ve seen in recent times. Gen Z is effectively one of the first generations freed from the shackles of marrying for status and wealth or to appease strict societal expectations of marriage and childbearing — instead searching for genuine connection and compatibility in a partner. The pressure of starting a family early in life has slowly lifted, allowing for flexibility on what a socially-acceptable timeline for these milestones are. As a result, Gen Z is generally having kids later and at a lower rate than their predecessors.
In Dolly Alderton’s memoir “Everything I know about love,” she shares a realization that many have come to identify with when she states “nearly everything I know about love, I've learnt in my long-term friendships with women.” The pages are filled with romantic excursions, partners and mishaps, and Alderton comes to the conclusion that friendships can be incredibly fulfilling, enlightening and have the potential to teach you more than romantic ones may. This mirrors the experiences many of us have had and will continue to ring true as our ideas about friendship and connection develop.
The true love a genuine friendship can show you is unconditional and all-encompassing — pouring effort into someone else, supporting others through tough times and becoming familiar with how others feel appreciated. These abilities to meet others’ needs and prioritize them above ourselves could have been once thought to solely be developed through romantic relationships, but they can also be evolved through platonic friendships.
Friendships allow us to be completely ourselves while engaging in new internal transformations — when we bask in the influence of our favorite people, we sit in this beautiful middle ground. We not only pick up the ability to be emotionally aware from those we’re closest to, but also on their slang and mannerisms. I’ll never forget being told, to my shock (and slight satisfaction), that my best friend of four years and I argued with a parallel tone and syntax. Our litigious qualities had been concurrently developed in the years of high school spats and resolutions.
While it’s easy to assume that the lower rates of romantic partnership among younger generations is indicative of a lack of social skills or a lessened value on romantic connection, it’s something else entirely. From developing routines and favorite hangouts to coming up with inside jokes, there’s something innocent about the commitment of friendship. The exchange completely hinges on the mutual enjoyment of another person’s company. The value a close friendship can hold is something Gen Z knows well, and having an inseparable relationship with someone who knows everything about you and continuously chooses to spend their time with you is an invaluable experience.
In search of community or connection, you may find the person who perfectly matches you in every way — they share the same sense of humor, determination or niche hobby. More importantly, they may just happen to be a completely platonic connection. While in a society that is still phasing out the traditional understanding that a romantic partnership is the most important asset one could have, don’t fall into the trap of discounting the value of close platonic relationships. Instead, take the opportunity to learn about love, life and yourself through your friendships.
Written by Amber Duhs — alduhs@ucdavis.edu
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