We love beating a dead horse

But they wouldn’t call it beating a dead horse if you were losing

By ABHINAYA KASAGANI — akasagani@ucdavis.edu

There is a particular kind of joy in witnessing our own refusal to surrender to losses or passively accept all that no longer serves us. To repeatedly belabor the relationships that have cost us or run their course, the job that takes more than it gives or the encounter that has occurred over a million times with no visible results — something we refer to as “beating a dead horse” — allows us to stake a claim to what is ours: the right to tell a story in the way that feels truest to us. Oftentimes, we come to accept our choices, however poor they were, and take comfort in simply knowing that someone else recognizes our reasons.

Personally, I have never let up on beating a dead horse for as long as I can remember, largely due to my desire to be in control of scenarios that are otherwise outside my scope. While it can often feel as if the dead horse has been beaten to the point of no return, it is ultimately warranted that most of us want to feel vindicated by another’s agreement. 

Most people who beat a dead horse aren't trying to be inventive; they almost always know it is dead. Part of the reason we keep harping on various betrayals is the sunk-cost fallacy — where our inclination is to entertain that which no longer serves us simply because of the time and energy we put in, regardless of whether our continued investment is justified by past effort alone. We often feel unable to confront the possibility that our instincts were what led us astray or that we could have done something to prevent it. 

We are also driven by a desire to believe that hard work and persistence are virtuous and thus must pay off, trapping us in an effort-reward loop that becomes harder to break as time goes by. Not only that, but the loop also compels us to invest even more of our energy and to expect higher returns without truly considering the situation’s long-term benefits. We still do, however, desire reciprocity from those around us — despite choosing incorrectly or internalizing the belief that we were misinformed. We wait around for nods in unison and a slew of “you’re right,” feeling justified in our hurt as our grievances are acknowledged. 

Lately, this impulse to beat a dead horse has become increasingly legible as a reaction to larger systems and institutions becoming untrustworthy. We feel partially unreliable as narrators because the environments we occupy have become increasingly unpredictable. Working outside of our influence, these social structures — such as workplaces, educational systems, legal frameworks and economic policies — not only feel unstable but also make it impossible to make fully informed decisions about our personal and professional lives. To assert control over circumstances and avoid feeling like passive actors in our worlds, we use personal relationships, social situations and trivial spats to exercise some agency.

I would not so quickly dismiss beating a dead horse as an unproductive endeavor; it can be comforting to know there are no surprises. Pathologizing the very human desire to feel warranted and recognized by others is exhausting. Sometimes, our reasons for rehashing old grievances are as simple as us advocating for ourselves, not only wanting to feel in control of the narrative but also wanting to figure out if there is something we aren’t seeing. Moving forward is much easier once we’ve gathered every possible insight from our confidantes and approached the problem from every probable angle. It is not vain or frivolous to care enough about past encounters to be affected so deeply by them, and suggesting otherwise is damaging rhetoric that takes us further away from making sense of our lives.

While revisiting old wounds is often seen as self-defeating, it’s important to recognize why we take pleasure in beating the dead horse in the first place. We’re driven by the sunk-cost fallacy, a desire for reciprocity and a hope that our persistence will eventually pay off. Dwelling on the same old isn't necessarily foolish, but we must ensure we aren’t expecting different results. Otherwise, this pattern can trap us in frustrating cycles of behavior that prevent us from making peace with the past. While walking away can make our efforts feel futile, the longer we drag something on, the more time we waste.

Allowing ourselves to revisit unresolved conflicts, however excessive it may feel, can be necessary to process our feelings. We are probably not getting the apology we deserve or the admission of guilt that's long overdue; still, taking the effort to advocate for ourselves and refusing to accept disadvantageous outcomes time and again can be worth it. Our passivity in life might lead us to assert control elsewhere, but the lesson lies in our ability to separate being trapped by an impulse from the conscious choice to indulge it. In this way, beating a dead horse becomes a means of seeking closure in less destructive ways, largely revolving around our desire to feel vindicated or understood. Once we recognize that this behavior won’t do much to affect the situation’s outcome, we can choose to stop beating the dead horse and carry on. We’re all still here, listening.

Written by: Abhinaya Kasagani— akasagani@ucdavis.edu

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