Dear Aggie,

I can’t get over my summer fling

Dear Aggie,

Last summer, when I was studying abroad in Venice, I met this guy. I was only there for a few weeks, but it was such a whirlwind romance. He's from Italy but he spoke English, and we saw each other almost every day that I was there. We kept in touch for a little while once I got home, but now it's more or less fizzled out. My problem is that I can't get over him. I'm stuck on this memory, this possibility of what could have been, even though I know it's impossible. It's stopping me from truly pursuing anyone else because I feel like I'm holding out for the off chance that this will work out somehow. How can I let a fling be a fling? How do I get over this so I can move on to more realistic opportunities? Am I delusional for thinking it could actually happen?

— Summer lover

Dear Summer lover,

I would bet that when you walk into your kitchen and look around, you would see a hundred ingredients you use only on occasion — your cardamoms, canned goods and frozen cauliflowers. Your dinners may not always include them (though they sometimes do), but you’re comfortable knowing they exist and that they’re bound to come up in a recipe every once in a while.

Your feelings can be the same. You can have all these feelings, but everything you produce (everything you make and do) does not have to be made out of every feeling you have. In other words, you can feel everything you still feel for this guy and still explore other opportunities.

Let yourself have the feelings, but take care of them so that they don’t control your life — two things can exist at the same time, both feelings and a desire to try new things. It clearly means more to you than just a fling, and that alone validates and is validated by the depth of your emotions. You aren’t delusional for caring, but thinking you should make decisions about your life right now based on an uncertain future is shortchanging yourself a possibility of something else great.

Don’t refrain from adding new ingredients to your shelf because of the ones you already have. Know that the ones you have will be useful occasionally, but don’t let them run your kitchen. Your future isn’t black and white with or without him — it’s your story (not his) with no set journey, path or ending. You don’t have to “move on” to move forward.

XOXO,

Master Chef

Written by: Violet Zanzot — vmzanzot@ucdavis.edu

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