Dear Aggie

 I’m stuck on my ex 

By NEVAEH KARRAKER — nakarrake@ucdavis.edu 

Dear Aggie, 

I'm having a difficult time in the dating world after a recent breakup. It's been a couple months, but I still feel like I'm comparing every new person I meet to my ex. I've had a few connections that I fumbled because I was scared or overthinking too much or just so stuck on my ex that I couldn't give them my genuine commitment, but I regret it. I've recently formed a friendship with someone that I really like, and I think it could turn romantic, but I'm really nervous about ruining it again. Am I just not ready? How can I make sure that I don't let my past get in the way of something that could be really special?

— Haunted 

Dear Haunted,

I feel you on that. It’s so odd reinserting yourself in the dating scene after a breakup — after all this time being loyal to this person, being single and talking to someone new feels like betrayal. And worse, you may still feel like you belong, in some ways, to your ex. 

Truth be told, I still ask myself the same questions. There are a couple things I’ve learned in this post-breakup era, and I’m going to hold your hand when I tell you this: Grief never disappears, it just dulls. Rather than trying to forget the past, you have to learn to live with it. And that means accepting a future without them, which feels impossible. It’s the lost potential that gnaws at us.

It feels counterintuitive, but I suggest writing a list of everything you disliked about your ex and being in that relationship. In retrospect, you may find it was more harmful than you thought; writing things down can also reinforce your standards and remind you there’s someone better in store for you. Reflecting on whether you’re content with your life can help determine whether you’re ready for a new relationship. This includes creating a strong circle of friends and indulging in your hobbies — you have more free time now, after all. The more comfortable we feel living our own lives, the more we understand that a partner can simply enhance them, not give them significance.

Ask yourself: Did you have fun with your ex or are you just a fun person? Coming from an adventurous person who was dating someone lazy, it's rejuvenating (and slightly satisfying) to know I’m doing things that they would never even want to or think to do — traveling, backpacking, focusing on my career. Become more addicted to the things that you love, and whoever this new person is, I hope they’re more supportive of you than your ex.

So don’t be nervous about possibly ruining this new friendship: If it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant to be, regardless of how special it may feel at the moment. For now, invest in yourself and whoever you're supposed to be with will join you on your path.

Stay strong,

A fellow haunted

Written by: Nevaeh Karraker — nakarraker@ucdavis.edu

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