Dear Aggie,

How can I date while I'm depressed?

I want to be in a meaningful relationship, but I feel like lately I've been too depressed to put myself out there. I've never had a long-term relationship, and I crave that kind of intimacy, but over the past few months I've been so unmotivated and exhausted that I can barely get through my day sometimes, let alone put in the effort to find, build and cultivate a relationship. Sometimes I think that having a partner to support me would be really helpful, and it makes me feel worse to be so lonely, but I just can't get over the hill of finding someone in the first place. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy — how can I get out of this?

— Sisyphus

Dear Sisyphus,

I find that a lot of internet advice about dealing with depression (or periods of depression) boils down to “work on yourself” (read: focus on improving your perceived flaws, become more physically fit, more conventionally attractive) or “go to therapy.” I hope I can give you more interesting advice here.

Don’t waste your time with dating apps; rather, trust that you’ll meet someone through a mutual friend, in the CoHo or in lecture someday. You’ll strike up a conversation, make long eye contact while you laugh together, get their number, go for a walk, grab a drink, see a movie, fall in love and begin to build a life together. This will all happen when you’re confident enough to strike up a conversation with a stranger, energetic enough to communicate consistently, fulfilled enough to be a good conversationalist and grounded enough not to worry if they don’t text you back for a day or two.

Right now, it sounds like you’re not in that position (which is okay!). At the moment, your primary aim should be working through your mental health struggles before you try to date. If you don’t, having a partner to support you won’t be helpful. You’ll worry about being a burden and not being energetic enough to spend time with them. Being in a relationship while you’re personally unfulfilled is likely to only make you more unhappy and to create new anxieties.

So, the age-old question: How to get happier? Therapy does work, but other things do too. I think these fall into two broad categories:

The first is scaffolding — relatively easy-to-build additions to your daily routine that help you construct something better. These are all completely cliché (my eyes glaze over every time I get told to sleep at least eight hours), but frustratingly, they do work. So, sleep at least eight hours per night, take a short walk or bike ride in the morning to get some sunlight, drink more water and consume more vitamins and exercise.

Simultaneously, aim to do little things that break up your routine: Buy a plant, drive to Pink Dozen donuts early on a weekend and buy a cruller, learn to cook with a cast iron skillet (they make the best fried eggs), buy same-day Student Rush tickets at the Mondavi Center ($10) and see a show, laugh with friends on a weeknight or maybe buy a pair of floor speakers on Facebook marketplace, set them up in your room and listen to music while laying on the carpet.

As all of this is happening, try to make yourself busy. Don’t overwork yourself, but get involved — a campus job, a club, rec sports, anything that puts you in a room with people regularly. That being said, depression does have other biological causes that may not be solved by “joining a club” and “cooking with a cast iron pan.” But I also think that a certain portion of it can be caused by a gap between how you are living and how you’d like to be living — there are little things that can close that gap. And then one day, you'll realize the sadness has gotten quieter — not because someone else filled it, but because you did.

At the same time, though, remember that it’s okay if you can’t do all of this on your own. While it’s inevitably hard to feel like you’re missing out on having a romantic partner to support you, other close friends and family members can be really good parts of your support system too. Becoming comfortable within yourself is certainly not easy, but you don’t have to do it in isolation; lean on your community, and hopefully they’ll be able to surround you with love and care. Do what you can, but give yourself grace. Don’t beat yourself up if things don’t happen linearly or if it takes a long time, this is a really hard thing to do. But with time, some inspiration and a good social network, I hope that you’ll find more peace.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie. Advice columns reflect one columnist’s perspective on the submission and are not intended to be taken as professional advice.