Dear Aggie,

Should I ask her out? 

By ABHINAYA KASAGANI — akasagani@ucdavis.edu 

Dear Aggie, 

There's this girl I really like. We've been hanging out for a few weeks now, and it's always been a flirty, physical relationship, but now it's getting emotional too — at least for me. I want to ask her out properly, but I don't know if it's a good idea to try and get into a relationship so close to the end of the year since we both have separate summer plans. She might not want to be restrained by a boyfriend while she travels (heck, I might not want to be restrained either). But I'm also scared that I'll lose her if I wait until we're back in the fall. Should I make a move? Should I keep it casual? Please send help.

— Ball and chain

Dear Ball and chain,

Usually, submitting to a newspaper for advice should be enough to let you know that, at least for you, things are far from ever being casual. This is not to say that keeping it casual is off the table for you entirely, but you have clearly moved into the territory of caring enough that you had to get it out of your head and onto the page. I also hope you’re not just asking me this so I can tell you what you already know and are too scared to follow through with. Because if so, there’s a 50% chance that you will be gravely disappointed.

You could do nothing, play it entirely safe. I am not being facetious when I say this — if grinning and bearing it is the move for you, I would suggest sticking with your plan. Not wanting to be restrained is a good enough excuse; you can’t have one foot out the door when you start. I, myself, am a big proponent of “the talk,” unfortunately (or fortunately) for you. Waiting till the fall might not only risk losing her, but also losing time. 

Can I ask you something? Are you scared that she won’t reciprocate, resulting in the collapse of your current relationship? Or are you afraid of the outcome itself? Because you contradict yourself a bunch here by saying you “don’t know if it’s a good idea,” while also admitting that “it’s getting emotional” and maybe you “might not want to be restrained,” but you’re “scared that [you’ll] lose her.” So, what do you want more? My advice, ultimately, would be to consider what it is that drives you. Make a pros and cons list. A matrix. A Venn diagram. Whatever mode of statistical analysis works for you. 

So, the age-old question: What are you willing to give up? I don’t know you well enough (or really at all) to claim that you are operating out of fear — you might just be an alarmingly practical person. Still, I feel obligated to inform you that having to make a choice will always result in the loss of something, which is exactly what makes it so beautiful. You will lose a part of your life as it remains in order to accommodate something else you want. Like it or not, you will be restrained by the fact that this person will be a witness to your life. You, however, will not be restrained in the ways you believe — you are the only two people who get to decide what the rules of the arrangement are. Not only decide, but you will get to revise these rules again and again, together, keeping those that work and discarding others that limit you. The two of you will be equal parts ball and chain some days, and this is what makes it so fruitful. 

All my love,

The bolt cutter

Written by: Abhinaya Kasagani — akasagani@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie. Advice columns reflect one columnist’s perspective on the submission and are not intended to be taken as professional advice.