Dear Aggie,

He didn’t say ‘I love you’ back

Dear Aggie,

I told my boyfriend I loved him and he didn't say it back. He was just kind of quiet for a little while and then [said] something I couldn't quite hear that was like a mix of "thank you" and some little compliment, but I wanted to throw myself out the window. We just went back to conversing, pretending it never happened. Now, it's been three days and I don't know what to do. Like why didn't he say it? I can't stop thinking about it. Should I talk to him? Should I just wait? What should I do?

— Lovesick

Dear Lovesick,

I get it! I think I would also be inspired to defenestrate! That being said, I don’t know that it is necessary. I think there are a couple of things to consider: what to make of it and what to do about it.

Not having someone say “I love you” back sucks — there’s no getting around that. The good (and hard) thing about it is that saying those “three words, eight letters” can be contextualized — we don’t know why this guy didn’t say it. It’s so easy to see a picture and build a story, but it’s also uncreative and unfair. Some people struggle to say it, some people define it differently so they use it at different times and some people don’t really know what it means so they feel shy using it at all.

We can’t jump to any conclusions, but we perhaps have to decide how to proceed anyway. In my mind, you’re not going to get any answers without asking for them. You could try to read signs all day, but if you want the cold, hard truth, sometimes you have to ask for it. Once you know where he’s at, you can decide if that fits with your needs. Do you need someone who has the same definition of love as you do? Can you be comfortable with what he says? You’re going to have to compromise something to get what you want: getting an answer requires talking, having the answer requires you to decide what to do with it — not talking gives no answer. You might as well find one answer so you can ask a new question.

Xoxo, Gossip Girl

Written by: Violet Zanzot — vmzanzot@ucdavis.edu

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