Two members of the Editorial Board battle for the position of Editor-in-Chief
Foregoing traditional elections, an unconventional hiring method is used to choose a candidate this year
By MOLLY THOMPSON — mmtthompson@ucdavis.edu
With spring quarter rapidly approaching, the time has come for The California Aggie to elect a new Editor-in-Chief to replace Alyssa Crevoiserat in the fall. Tensions have been building within the Editorial Board for months, as the two most-senior desk editors nervously campaign and await the decision of their fates.
On the day of the last Editorial Board meeting of winter quarter, the pressure finally snapped. Instead of putting in effort to upload the official application, Crevoiserat suggested that the candidates just “throw it down: right here, right now.”
The two editors looked at each other, squinting menacingly across the conference table. Features Editor Zoey Mortazavi dramatically stood up from the table, cracking her neck and sort of scooting behind the other members of the board as she made her way across the room.
“Let’s take this outside,” Mortazavi said.
Campus News Editor Vince Basada was right on her heels — he pushed his chair back, hobbled to his crutches in the corner of the room and followed her out the door with his sad little three-legged limp.
The rest of the board quickly followed, running out of the room (until they had to stop and wait for Basada to trudge down the ramp outside the office). They waited on the ramp, clutching the railing with white knuckles as they peered anxiously at Mortazavi and Basada facing each other on the sidewalk below, poised for battle.
Mortazavi made the first move. She dropped to the ground and started an impressive series of coffee grinders, swinging her legs around and jumping up and down. The Editorial Board gasped — no one knew she had secret breakdancing skills! She jumped up and crossed her arms, nodding at Basada to try and follow her impressive opening act.
Basada, unphased, swung his crutches around artfully a few times before replacing them and using them to lift himself off the ground, swinging and spinning himself in a way that no one saw coming. He jumped a few times (on his good leg) before striking a pose.
Mortazavi knew she had to up her game: This time, she added her own backing music, singing some beats from the repertoire of her jazz band. She twirled, leapt, popped and locked, and the audience of editors gasped in amazement.
Basada, realizing that he had to pull out all the stops, dropped his crutches. Crevoiserat covered her mouth in shock. He dropped to the ground and began his own break dance sequence — six steps, skittles, L kicks and CCs before hitting a killer freeze at the end — never once touching his hurt leg to the ground.
The Editorial Board burst into cheers and applause. Crevoiserat stepped forward to announce a winner: “This is the hardest decision of my life. I mean, Zoey [Mortazavi] brought out the sick beats, but Vince [Basada] had some crazy crutch moves. But after much consideration, I choose —”
“Wait!” came a voice from the end of the sidewalk. Before Crevoiserat could proclaim her successor, Opinion Editor Molly Thompson vaulted over the railing, launching into her own dance number. Had she entered the race at the last second? The board looked around at each other in disbelief. Everyone knew she could technically run for the position, but no one actually expected her to. Seriously, this was shocking.
What they’d forgotten was that Thompson was a trained dancer. She absolutely wrecked the other candidates and was crowned Editor-in-Chief. Her moves were so good that Crevoiserat yielded her power immediately. Mortazavi and Basada had put up a good fight, but they were simply no match for Thompson. Long live Editor-in-Chief Molly Thompson.
Written by: Molly Thompson — mmtthompson@ucdavis.edu
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