Dear Aggie,

I have a crush I need to get over (or pursue?)

Dear Aggie,

I have a crush on someone in my club, and I need to get over it. We're a pretty small club, and we meet multiple times a week, so I see them a lot. They've asked me to hang out outside of our practice times occasionally, but I'm trying my best not to read too much into it. I've seen them out with another girl a few times, and worse than that, I saw them on Hinge (a while ago, so I don't know if they're still single or not, but it certainly didn't help my delusions). I don't know if it's better to force myself to get over them, or to figure out if they like me back (and if they're single or not) and try to go for it. This is eating me alive, please help.

— Crush(ed)

Dear Crush(ed),

Ooh, this one’s juicy. I think most people understand how it feels to have a crush on someone and feel paralyzed in deciding if you should make a move. If this was a random person, I’d encourage you to go right ahead and ask them out (or at least engage in heavy flirting). But since this person is in the same club as you, I think it’s safe to assume that you’ll be seeing them in the future and will want to avoid any potential awkwardness. While yearning for a crush can feel suffocating at times, the good news is that you can do something about it.

Your decision tree is clear: First and foremost, determine if they’re single. If they’re still on Hinge, they’re more than likely still available. But to confirm this theory, I suggest that you go about this in a subtle way. Now I’m not endorsing stalking, but rather some light investigative work on social media — look for clues that they’re taken. If this doesn’t come to fruition, try working it into a conversation so it comes up naturally — you don’t want to come off too strong at this stage. An example of an inconspicuous (but effective) weave-in could look like this:

You: “How was your weekend?”

Them: “Oh it was chill, got a lot done but it was busy, you know how it is.”

You: “OMG yeah I do know how it is.” (Feel free to re-read this script in your voice)

Continue this conversation for a while. Most people love talking about themselves, so let it flow naturally for a bit. When it’s reaching a conclusion, you’ll want to ask, “So, has anything crazy happened to you recently?” With a heavy emphasis on “crazy” (wink wink). You two seem pretty close since you’re hanging out outside of club hours, so hopefully if they’re dating someone you can get your answer by this point. If they’re still not providing any insight into their dating life, be a little more explicit by asking them if they’re talking to anyone — if you approach it with enough nonchalance, it’ll come across as sincere curiosity.

If they’re no longer single, I’d advise you to take the only ethical route and back off. You can still remain friends, but out of self respect, you should start moving on. It’ll suck at first, but I’m going to be annoying and suggest that you take the time to focus on yourself (gross, I know). Hang out with your friends, find new hobbies, go on dates with other people — live your life to the fullest and eventually you won’t feel the yearning quite so much.

But if all signs point to them being single, I’d say go for it! If they mention they’re single you can hit them with the: “In that case, let’s hang out!” It’s casual, fun and gives you some plausible deniability in case things go sideways. Ask to hang out with them outside of club hours and suggest typical date activities like watching a movie or grabbing a drink. The opportunity to be more explicit about your feelings towards this person will become apparent when the time is right. Of course, I endorse open and honest communication. But in this case, tact and patience is pertinent to circumvent any awkward misunderstandings.

So go forth and have that conversation! You have nothing to lose, because enjoying someone’s company is never something to be embarrassed about. Vulnerability is scary, but you will be better off for it, no matter how it goes. So don’t let it eat you alive, because love is something that comes from you, something you create. After all, life is far too short to refrain from pursuing love!

XOXO,

A fellow yearner

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie. Advice columns reflect one columnist’s perspective on the submission and are not intended to be taken as professional advice.