Emailing me won’t make me grade your finals faster
I should just put you guys on my ‘close friends’ list
By GEETIKA MAHAJAN — giamahajan@ucdavis.edu
It’s time to admit that the novelty of spring break has kind of worn out, for me at least. I’m a teaching assistant (TA) in the Economics Department, which means that I have, like, two memories that take place outside of the schedules, deadlines and physical perimeter of this campus. For as long as I can remember, spring break has been the home stretch of ‘no man’s land.’
After spending the entire quarter crying RedBull onto my laptop, I can find respite in crying RedBull onto a stack of papers because every student in this course decided to put their own unique spin on graphing marginal cost curves. Now I have to figure out how to give everyone partial credit so they don’t fail and come back again in the fall to haunt me.
I know it’s different for undergrads. You all want to “go spring breakers” because you “only get four” but simultaneously will be “worried about econ final grades” while you’re “in Miami.” Too bad. I still have some midterms from 2024 that need to get graded first, among other things.
In response to your countless unnecessary and unhelpful emails, I’ve prepared a list of excuses. In the future, please refer to the following if you ever get the bizarre urge to contact me again:
- My dog ate them. For real.
- I’m not really in a great place right now.
- I think it’s hot when the professor gets impatient and demanding.
- Timothée Chalamet’s callous attitude towards the arts stoked a rage within me that was so sharp and painful that I could barely think about anything else for days.
- What? You guys wanted those back? I thought they were like, a gift for me.
- In my defense, I thought you guys would study harder and get more problems right which would have made things a lot easier on my end.
- They reorganized Trader Joe’s again and I got lost in there for a few days.
- I’m trying to teach you guys about the law of detachment. If you detach hard enough, your final grades will come to you.
- I forgor
- Have you eaten today?
- I actually turned your final exams into a plot device. Yeah, they’re kind of like my narrative foil. I have to destroy them now, sorry.
- I turned your final exams into a philosophical paradox. Like, I replaced all the paper and staples and sweat marks and tear drops on your tests with identical but new paper and staples and sweat marks and tear drops. So they’re not really “yours” anymore. Or maybe they are. That’s the paradox.
- I didn’t feel like releasing more negativity into the world.
- I was grading them while my English Ph.D. roommate was watching the new “Wuthering Heights” adaptation and she projectile threw up all over them. But I’ll give you two extra-credit points if you can figure out which of these excuses she wrote.
- I was grading them while my Philosophy Ph.D. roommate listened to a frat boy explain stoicism to her and she projectile threw up all over them. But I’ll give you two extra-credit points if you can figure out which of these excuses she wrote.
- “You Need To Calm Down” by Taylor Swift
- Your degree is useless and artificial intelligence is gonna steal your jobs anyways. Not me, though. My degree is important and a surefire path to financial stability.
- Your handwriting is illegible.
- Zelle me $500 if you really want them back that bad.
- All of you guys used ChatGPT. Or, at least, that’s what I’m gonna tell Student Conduct and Integrity so I can stop grading this s*** and go to sleep. You failed! Hahaha see you next quarter.
Written by: Geetika Mahajan — giamahajan@ucdavis.edu