Baseball 2

Baseball already makes no sense: Why not switch it up?

I know absolutely nothing about baseball. When I watch a game, I see no rhyme or reason to any of the actions of the players or to the setup of the game itself. Unfortunately for me, I’ve watched quite a bit of baseball — and it’s a bewildering experience every time. This makes me the perfect person to suggest a few minor (major) changes: all of my ideas will be new, unique and untainted by the cynicism of expertise. As (I’m told) they say, my suggestions will be “out of left field.”

First, the position “shortstop” has a name that doesn’t follow the pattern of the other three infielders. Instead of calling this player the “shortstop,” they should be the “half baseman.” After all, the position is halfway between second and third base — and the name “second and a half baseman” is a little wordy. It also keeps the theme of calling the player small: he is short as a shortstop, and half-sized as a half baseman. After all, there is probably no reason to name the position “shortstop” outside of commenting on the player’s height.

We also need more outfielders. Just think about how far they have to run out there, and how lonely they are standing so far away from everybody else. To fix these problems, let’s add two outfielders. We can call them “center-rightfielder” and “center-leftfielder.” This way, the outfielders don’t need to run as much and can focus more on making really cool catches for the jumbotrons. They would also probably be within shouting distance of each other, so they can make small talk during the five minutes it takes for the pitcher to hype himself up every time he throws the ball.

Additionally, foul balls should count as strikes on the third strike. This would encourage the batters to actually hit the ball in the right place, and it would add more action to the game. No longer will there be 10 minutes of foul balls in a row for viewers to trudge through. Instead, we can watch the game without the game being dragged out unnecessarily in the worst way possible.

And now, for my favorite change, we should put pitchers and batters on the same team and put catchers on the opposing team (I have been told this would completely break the game of baseball, but I firmly disagree). In my opinion, this is much more interesting.

The catcher would be between the pitcher and batter, with a small net behind him to protect him from rogue baseballs. Now, the pitcher’s goal is to throw the ball in a way that guarantees the best hit, while still avoiding the catcher. In addition to the batter being able to strike out, the pitcher can also strike out if the catcher catches the ball five times in a row. This way, the pitchers will not have to ruin their arms as much because they will be rotating out more frequently. The audience will also get a better show — when a batter does make contact with the ball, their hits will be much more impressive because the pitcher is trying to give the best throws they can for the batter. There is also the additional excitement of a second player being able to be thrown out.

One might ask, why are we changing baseball, exactly? To be honest, mostly for fun. In my humble opinion, my edits would make baseball a much more enjoyable sport to watch, and I don’t know why anyone would dare suggest my ideas “break the game.” We can make the MLB2: Major League Baseball 2. Maybe we can even have Little League 2 — the objectively superior form of the game. Or maybe, I just shouldn’t watch baseball.

Written by: Sage Kamocsay— skamocsay@ucdavis.edu

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