Dear Aggie,

Help, my boyfriend won’t shave his mustache

Dear Aggie,

Recently, my boyfriend and I have been at an impasse. When we started dating, he was clean-shaven, but in the last few months he’s grown out a mustache. I’ve told him I don’t like it — it’s itchy and not well-groomed — but he won’t listen. He says his dream is to win mustache competitions, and that he wants me there supporting him. I know he lacks the discipline to make it in the big leagues. I’ve already tried the old trick of giving him a cleanser with Nair in it, but I forgot he doesn’t wash his face. I’m at my wits end, what else can I do?

— Harried girlfriend

Dear Harried girlfriend,

Don’t feel like you’re alone in this. We’ve all been there. Know that now is never the right time to enter further communication with him over something that is important to you. Even more imperative is not to end a relationship over irreconcilable differences, especially when it comes to matters of personal autonomy. I can offer you some easy, simple, tried-and-true solutions from my own experiences to help you in this difficult time.

My first recommendation is to give him a taste of his own medicine. If you can’t grow your own mustache, store bought is fine. Wear it around him at all times, and every time he tries to bring it up, refuse to acknowledge it. If he doesn’t get the hint, start having everyone in his life wear a mustache too. He’ll either get sick of mustaches entirely, or you’ll beat him at his own game. 

If that first method doesn’t work, or you’re more one for the theatrics, then I’ve got another suggestion which has never failed. Select your favorite stretch of train tracks in the Davis area and hire a local theatre troop to tie him to the tracks and pretend to be a train coming towards him. Then you can swoop by on horseback and save him, with one caveat — he has to let you shave his mustache before you cut the ropes. While I know it sounds a little dubious, he’ll never be in any actual danger unless you consider grown-up theater kids to be a threat. 

Disagreement in a relationship is hard, but action and indirect communication is always the way to win an argument. Remember, the most important part is getting what you want.

Best wishes,

Communication Expert