Performative reading for beginners

The only beginners guide you’ll need to impress your peers by merely carrying the right book around

Judging a book by its cover is essential in today’s social climate — nobody wants to be seen with a book in their hands if it doesn’t allow them to seem pretentious.

Reading, after all, is only good for one thing: making you look like the smartest person in the room. The other beautiful thing about performative reading is its lack of requirement for skill, whether it be taking a book on vacation that you’ll never open or carrying one around when you know that you could just as easily stuff it in your bag.

Here’s a beginner’s guide to novels to pretend-read in front of your peers.

“Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoevsky

This 19th century Russian novel is the best choice for any performative reader looking for validation. Described as one of the pillars of classic literature, “Crime and Punishment” is the perfect choice.

The best part is that the title gives away the plot so you’ll be able to inform others of the story with ease: a man commits a crime which is followed by a punishment — and just like that, you’re an intellectual!

“Frankenstein” by Mary Shelley

Prepare for the words, “actually it’s Frankenstein’s creature,” to become a major part of your vocabulary, because “Frankenstein” is the ultimate weapon for any attention-seeking reader.

Even better, with all the adaptations out there, you will have more than enough material to make up some knowledge on the content of the novel. Correct or not, you’ll be somewhere in the ballpark of impressing folks (results may vary).

“Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen

Who said reading romantic classics isn’t as equally impressive as reading other legendary works? Whipping out a copy of Jane Austen’s most beloved novel is sure to catch the notice of others.

Memorize a couple of random British names and you’re sure to get some characters correct when discussing the novel with others.

If anyone asks you for details, start gushing about “the hands” — chances are, they’ll swoon along with you and drop any further questions (even if it isn’t a part of the original novel).

“Animal Farm” by George Orwell

Despite being a commonly assigned middle school read, “Animal Farm” still manages to be an impressive addition to your tote bag inventory on your trip to get some matcha.

The benefit to this is that you’ll hopefully be able to recall some of the information your eighth grade teacher taught you however long ago. If not, just remember the pigs aren’t just pigs.

“Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” by John Berendt

Nothing says pretentious like nonfiction! Lesser known than the other big names on this list, this title is still sure to gather respect. The only risk with this one is that if you come across someone that’s read it themselves, you’re pretty much screwed — either abandon ship or mutter something about complex themes under your breath, because they’ll definitely know their stuff.

Written by: Bella Peterson — arts@theaggie.org