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Touse, Bouse or Mouse: Five signs the frat is touse

A guide to scoping out the tousest house

By AALIYAH ESPAÑOL-RIVAS — campus@theaggie.org

With Spring rush hella near, fraternities across the UC Davis campus are gearing up to recruit the most ferda guys. Before you rush, look for these five signs when looking for your forever brotherhood.

  1. If their backyard is empty during parties

An empty backyard — a good indicator of their touseness. A full backyard is bouse coded; they just letting any squid in at that point. If their backyard is halfway packed, that’s the sweet spot. You want your frat to be exclusive, not throwing opens every weekend for just any geed. 

  1. If their grade point average is 2.5, collectively. 

Who needs classes when there’s a darty at 1? A real touse prioritizes their social ranking over academics. But when it’s time to lock in, their academic chair will text the Snap group chat to meet in the sunroom on the second floor of Shields Library. Otherwise, the study bank always comes in clutch. Or Kyler, who's taken ARE 100A three times at this point.

  1. If they are always talked about on YikYak

All publicity is good publicity. When the frat is brought up constantly on YikYak, trust its good looks. Even if it's some fake ahh chirp from bouse or wannabe mousers, it's all jealousy. Don’t always trust what you read online — especially like myths such as the milkman or the elephant walk. If people are talking about the frat, it's better than not being talked about at all. 

  1. If they can’t talk to women 

Touse only needs touse. Why open up and get to know any girl when it’s not your bros? Touse moggers congregate in corners, keeping to themselves and playing Clash rounds while the chuzz and sherms socialize amongst each other. Until bro proposes a two-man, then it’s time to chase some tail.  

  1. If they give back to their community 

Touse is charitable. They host philanthropic events that typically involve some food of sorts and attend other philanthropic events from other chapters that involve eating competitions. They don’t rely on their alumni for fundraisers, but outreach and really getting to know their community. Touse networks, and each bro must have 500+ connects on LinkedIn for a spot on houseboats.

One last thing to remember: Touse is patient, touse is kind. Touse does not envy, touse does not boast, touse is not proud. Touse does not dishonor others, touse is not self-seeking, touse is not easily angered, touse keeps no record of wrongs. Touse does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Touse always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Disclaimer: This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of "sources" are fictionalized.

Written by: Aaliyah Español-Rivas — campus@theaggie.org