Aliens make surprise landing at the UC Davis Dairy Cattle Facility
From sightings of otherworldly cows to an interview with an ‘Agoober,’ researchers confirm presence of extraterrestrial lifeforms
By MAYA KORNYEYEVA — managing@theaggie.org
Late last month, UC Davis researchers confirmed evidence of extraterrestrial lifeforms observed in none other than the Dairy Cattle Facility located near the Tercero dormitories. This enclosure currently houses over 100 cows, and now, as of March 20, aliens.
The initial discovery was made when Roquette Ship — a third-year Ph.D. student studying population biology and a frequent volunteer at the Dairy Cattle Facility — noted the peculiar appearance and behavior of one of the beloved dairy cows, No. 671.
“No. 671 is one of my favorite cows — I visit her often, so I knew instantly that something was off,” Ship said. “There she was, plain as day, standing on two legs. Her spots were shifting colors in the sunlight, and she was stooped over an astronomy textbook the entire time that I was watching her. It’s as if she was reading it!”
Ship continued to describe, in a hushed tone, the behavior of another cow, No. 42.
“No. 42 is, like, the chillest gal; she’s usually just munching on grass and trying to get pets from students,” Ship said. “That Friday, she was prancing in circles around a desktop monitor. Where did she even get one?? Anyways, she looked pretty locked in, mooing at the screen and just acting really strangely. Like, communicating with it? I don’t know, I’ve never seen a cow do that before.”
These two cows, however, are not the only creatures that have been investigated as “potentially extraterrestrial,” according to an official log of observations published by NASA. A squirrel and a student were apprehended on March 21 for exhibiting similarly bizarre patterns of behavior.
“I was the one who saw the squirrel first,” Jalien Jamison, a third-year cognitive science major, said. “It was completely yellow, like a dandelion, and way bigger than all the other squirrels. Plus, it had a little backpack and an apple watch around its tail. Weird stuff, man.”
While the squirrel was immediately taken to a special enclosure at the Dairy Cattle Facility to join the two suspected cows, apprehending the “student” was a greater challenge than university researchers — and NASA officials — anticipated.
In an interview with UC Davis Professor of Mathematics Astro Steve, Steve described the bizarre actions of the “student” and that of another suspicious individual who was captured and later released on March 28 due to lack of evidence.
“King Julien is one of my best students, like an out-of-this-world genius,” Steve said. “He walked into class and I immediately knew something was awry. He was wearing a tropical party hat instead of his usual baseball cap, and sandals — with socks! Plus, he was carrying this giant scepter-looking thing.”
Steve continued to describe how authorities came into the classroom and led Julian away, as he repeatedly exclaimed “Hello hello!” at passersby and frequently skipped away from the researchers. Another student in the class, who had begun making strange noises and jumping around in their chair while Julien was being led away, was also taken by NASA officials as a precautionary measure.
The California Aggie was able to reach the now-released student for comment.
“Can I not say ‘gliggity’ anymore?” the offended student, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Aggie. “Can I not jump around if I feel like it? Why does that immediately brand me as an alien?? Where is your whimsy? I was dragged through the investigative process for no reason, had to sign a million NDAs and given the smallest room in the Segundo dormitories to stay in for the week. Seriously unfair.”
He then winked, smiling from ear to ear.
“Well, at least I got a free pass to not attend classes for a week,” he said, smirking.
In a surprising twist in the investigation — and one that wholly confirmed the scientist’s suspicions of the presence of extraterrestrial lifeforms — one of the cows, No. 42, morphed into their original form to provide an exclusive interview at a press conference held on April 1.
Hailing from the planet Agoob and speaking the language “Agooble,” the alien representative explained that the “Agoobers” had arrived on Earth from the vast corners of the galaxy. At the press conference, university scientists uncovered the motivation behind their arrival at the cow facility and why they chose the humble town of Davis as their first — and only — destination.
“We come in peace,” the Agoober, formally known as Ufo Ufo, said. “We have come to study our gods — what you call cows — as there is an abundance of these magnificent creatures here. In fact, for eons, cows have appeared in our visions and our ancient texts as beings capable of interdimensional travel, carrying the language of the stars in their spots. It’s a code we have come to study, and one that we will crack in due course.”
Ufo Ufo then handed the university’s lead research scientist a miniature sculpture of a cow. The size of a tennis ball, this statue was made of a mysterious, glowing metal that UC Davis geologists are currently holding under investigation.
“Please accept this as an apology for impersonating the wildlife here on this planet,” Ufo Ufo said, gesturing at the miniature cow. “All creatures that we morphed into are alive and well. We only wanted to better understand the lifeforms here on Earth — to appreciate the peculiarity of your species.”
As of time of publication, the Agoobers are continuing to study the Davis cows in collaboration with UC Davis researchers and NASA specialists. Only time will tell if the cows truly hold the secret to the universe.
Written By: Maya Kornyeyeva — managing@theaggie.org