Advice column
Dear Aggie,
My best friend recently got a boyfriend, and I don’t like him. He’s constantly around, he’s always involved in our plans now and she crafts her entire schedule around him. He’s texting her 24/7 — she’s on her phone updating him while we’re hanging out. He seems nice enough, but he’s just so all-consuming for her that I feel like it can’t be healthy. Is it my place to step in at some point? Is this a problem with him or with her or with me?
— Spare tire
Dear Spare tire,
That’s a tough situation to be in: a battle between the love you have for your friend and the respect you have for yourself.
Since it’s a new relationship, it’s probably still very fresh and exciting. At some point, we all get caught up in developing phenomena, whether it’s a hobby, class or in this case, a relationship. Realistically, if you were in her shoes, you would probably also want that extra time with your partner. Their relationship is likely new enough that each text still entices butterflies — so I’d say give some grace.
That being said, an introduction to romance does not mean that it’s okay to neglect your personal or social life, let alone a best friend. Hence, in this instance, I don’t think there’s anyone who’s the “problem” or in the “wrong,” let alone you. Whenever our friends distance themselves, our first instinct is to blame ourselves and mull over mistakes we might have made. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Rather, I think it’s about finding a new balance between your preexisting friendship and her uncharted relationship — and, unfortunately, most of that has to come from her end. What you can do is to continue to serve as her support system as she stabilizes interpersonal parity.
This can imply stepping in when behavior becomes unhealthy, but it’s crucial to identify when that’s necessary. If you’re coming from a place of jealousy for quality time with her, you could wrongly view this conflict as a tug-of-war between you and her boyfriend for attention, and subconsciously critique his every move. In this case, you will become the problem by carving rocky, self-serving grooves into the friendship.
On the other hand, if you notice that he does become all-consuming to her, then it may be worth discussing whether she’s capitulating to toxicity.
Either way, the best route is definitely to talk to her about how you’re feeling. If you guys are really best friends, then she will care that you feel cast aside. Confrontation, when approached kindly, is healthy — and that’s one thing you can control. Ask to hang out, and casually bring up something positive you’ve observed in her romantic life. Maybe she thinks you’re constantly judging her pick of men (valid; maybe you are). This redirects the attack off her, and allows her to really absorb how her actions have affected you.
Hopefully, she’ll be receptive to your feelings. If she isn’t, then perhaps you should reassess your friendship. While I believe that society wrongly views confrontation as taboo, I also think there’s a limit to putting effort into someone who isn’t putting effort into you or the friendship. I don’t think that will be the case, though — I think she just isn’t thinking when she invites him over or pulls out her phone. Be honest with her, and just be kind.
Best of luck,
— AAA mechanic
Written by: Nevaeh Karraker — nakarraker@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie. Advice columns reflect one columnist’s perspective on the submission and are not intended to be taken as professional advice.