Davis Republicans welcome first member without receding hairline
‘Where is his scalp?’ One of the club attendees upon seeing the newest member
By KATYA OKS — opinion@theaggie.org
The unthinkable has happened. A moment that will be forever recorded in the history of the most unusual and unlikely events in the history of UC Davis clubs. On April 1, the UC Davis Chapter of College Republicans welcomed their first member without a receding hairline.
College Republicans — known for their overgrown mullets and for believing the American flag is blue and black — welcomed the most surprising new member: PJ Trance.
Trance, a second-year business major with a minor in the fine arts of ragebaitology, was hoping to finally find community within the Davis Republicans.
Tonald Dump, the President of the Davis College Republicans, shared his experience when he first saw Trance at their weekly club meeting.
“Trance came in, and his hairline just seemed so aggressively forward,” Dump said, shuddering at the memory. “The hairline was fully intact! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”
Dump also told The California Aggie about his first impressions of Trance.
“At first I assumed he was lost or canvassing for Democrats,” Dump said, squinting suspiciously as he looked at Trance. “But then he mentioned ‘low taxes’ and we realized — this might be for real.”
Witnesses reported that an audible silence fell over the classroom the moment Trance stepped into the room. The overhead light did not reflect off the newest member’s lack of visible scalp, making many members uncomfortable.
Erika Berk, a general member, shared her reaction to Trance as she subtly adjusted her “Make America Great Again” cap.
“I mean, frankly, I feel personally attacked,” Berk said. “There’s just so much… hair. What could he possibly be hiding under there? I don’t trust it.”
Trance, in his attempt at finding community, is still seeking his rightful place within the club.
“You know, at first I thought they would be happy to see me,” Trance said. “I was hoping that my hairline would be a good addition to the club, you know, to show that us Republicans come in all shapes and sizes.”
Dump chuckled at Trance’s comment.
“Did he forget we don’t believe in that diversity stuff?” Dump said in response. “I mean we are quite literally fighting against that. But, yeah, his hairline…”
Dump looked off in the distance, seemingly lost in thought.
“Uh, was there a question?”
In response to this new addition to the club, the Davis Republicans scrambled to fix this so-called “issue.” Feelawn Gusk, the vice president of the Davis Republicans, shared some of the measures the club has taken as a result. For one, when the Davis College Republicans took pictures for their Instagram, members reported that Trance was asked to stand slightly behind others in group photos for “uniformity.” Or at least to wear something over his “ridiculously filled-out scalp.”
“There’s nothing wrong with ‘it,’” Gusk said, gesturing at Trance’s head. “It’s just, we worry about the optics of it.”
Internal sources confirmed that several members have begun researching stress, genetics and “how fast can his hairline realistically go?”
Board members of the Davis College Republicans also staged an intervention with the newest member.
“We sat PJ [Trance] down and had a serious conversation with him,” Gusk said. “We also gave him a list of internships that we’re hoping will cause enough stress to see the hairline start receding. In the meantime, we got him numerous hats that he can wear before that happens.”
On their Instagram page, the Davis Republicans reassured their members and alumni about this unprecedented arrival.
“Fellow patriots,” the statement began. “Do not fret. This remains to be an isolated incident and does not reflect our values nor our daily routines. Measures are being taken to mitigate the situation.”
Trance shared his response to the measures.
“I’ll do whatever it takes,” Trance said, nodding to himself. “I’m ready to truly belong in this chapter of the Davis Republicans.”
Written By: Katya Oks — opinion@theaggie.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)