Forbes rates UC Davis ‘Most Rizzless University’
Students struggle with a depressing dating scene as the university continues rizzless ranking reign
By MADISON SEEMAN — meseeman@ucdavis.edu
In an upsetting but unsurprising turn of events, the University of California, Davis has been ranked No. 1 in “Most Rizzless Universities” by Forbes’ World University Rankings 2026 for the sixth year in a row.
After conducting an unpaid survey, two paid surveys, a double-blind experiment, a Stanford University experiment and one very somber symphony, UC Davis has been forced to conclude that Forbes may have a point. Following the announcement, the university-based dating website Date Drop has deactivated its Davis services.
“We really tried our best,” Date Drop said in an announcement. “Good luck out there lol.”
Straight, gay or from the Bay, it seems this Davis lovelessness is blind.
Are we just a part of the greater dating recession? One Wired article suggested that a “fear of being cringe” is the real culprit of Generation Z’s dating disconnect, but I’m positive that fear has never stopped UC Davis students (who are often, for better or for worse, devotees to the “cringe is dead” mentality). Maybe we can try to blame it on our sad and lonely generation, but look at UC Los Angeles; they are totally studying the birds and the bees over there.
So, what do UC Davis students have to say about this now-annual public humiliation ritual? When I interviewed students to get to the bottom of what makes UC Davis the top-performer in romantic underperformance, there was a suspicious lack of shock.
“Sounds about right,” Noah Game, a fourth-year economics major, said upon hearing the news.
Dejected Richard Ryder, a first-year communication major, also spoke on his experience.
“I never thought about factoring the dating scene into my college search,” Ryder said. “Now, I wish I had.”
The Aggie spoke to more students on the matter, receiving mixed explanations.
“It’s gotta be the smell,” Ivan Jerkins, a second-year science and technology major, said. “The whole cow manure thing — it’s a real turn-off” (this was a fantastic point, that was somewhat hurt by the fact that he obviously wasn’t wearing deodorant).
Mia Lovelace, a third-year civil engineering major, also shared her perspective.
“The only bang we’re getting is Bang Energy,” Lovelace said. “I don’t have time for woo-hooing — I haven’t slept in days.”
This sentiment was echoed by many other interviewees.
“It’s the incels, the femcels, the Aggies glued to their Excel cells. Nobody wants to go out anymore — the ‘A’ in Aggie stands for abstinence,” Kerrie Dixon, a first-year design major — whose first choice was UC Berkeley — said. “Although, I am surprised we’re higher than UC Socially Dead,” she admitted after a pause.
Harsh! But we reluctantly struggled to disagree.
In my personal research through the depths of UC Davis Hinge, I found a mess of strangely depressing pick-up lines (who opens with the Vietnam War?), games of “who’ll reach out first” chicken (which nobody ever wins) and far too many exes of friends (a little soon to be back on Hinge, don’t you think?). It all feels like an extremely shy game of bumper cars where no one is hitting the gas.
But at least not everyone had something negative to say.
“We are honored to have been featured on this list,” Chancellor Gary May — who still hasn’t learned what “rizz” means — said in an official statement.
In another branch of campus, faculty concerned for what this might mean for UC Davis’ legacy have proposed the implementation of a mandatory “family living” course, just in case Aggies weren't sure how to “knock boots” or “lock that s*** down.” The proposal was quietly rejected.
So, maybe Forbes says we have no game and maybe the only ones getting any are the squirrels, but Vogue says having a boyfriend is uncool anyway! Maybe UC Davis is really just the UC of friendship and whimsy: Is it really such a crime to love your friends so much that you don’t have the time to go out and hunt for someone you can bump uglies with? In Davis, California?
Or, actually, maybe UC Davis is really just ahead of the curve. Have Aggies found the secret to freeing ourselves from silly things like feelings and intimacy? Is UC Davis just preparing us for the soulless adult dating world of the country at large? Are we just efficiency maxxing too hard?
Whatever it is, just remember Aggies: Even if nobody else ever wants you, at least UC Davis admissions did.
Written by: Madison Seeman –– meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)